So a few years ago I picked up something I never thought I would - running.
I was always the little chubby kid in gym class. The one that got picked last for teams. The one that couldn't finish running "the mile" test. The one that liked literature, music, and art way more than physical activity. Then, a few years back, I was trying to think of something I had never done before. I wanted a new goal - something brand new and shiny to work on achieving. Something I never thought I'd ever be able to accomplish. So I set out with a Couch to 5k app and a goal to run my first 5K.
I did it. And from there I ran a couple more 5Ks. Then the Nerd Husband and I trained for the Inaugural Star Wars Dark Side 10K at Walt Disney World. It was freaking amazing.
Then our world blew up. The Nerd Husband's grandfather grew sicker until he was finally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He passed away quickly after a hellish fight. Then my biological mother had a stroke while we were in Florida, and there I was - worrying for my family until I could get back home. Then - most recently - we had an ice storm, and the Nerd Husband fell in our driveway and broke his left hip. We lived with my parents for a month until he could come home and do the stairs (slowly and only once a day in the beginning).
Needless to say, we haven't been home much. Our house has suffered for it. We have suffered for it - physically and mentally. It's been trying. Running fell to the wayside. Making it through to the next day was really the only goal.
During this last trial - the Nerd Husband's accident - I came up with my next plan. In between sitting in the hospital with my husband and doing the drives back and forth from our house to gather things, take a shower or feed our kitty, it dawned on me that I wanted to show the universe it wouldn't break me. It wouldn't throw all of this at me and see me back down without a fight. I remember saying out loud, "No. I refuse to feel like this, and I won't let you tear me down." Plus, I was doing all of this to help someone else. And I'd been helping other people for so long. I needed to do something purely for me.
I vowed to figure out something I had never done before and make me feel badass, strong, and rebellious against the universe. I thought about a tattoo or dyeing my hair another color. But then my brain rested upon one thought...
I'll run a half marathon.
Not sure that was a normal train of thought. But then again, I've never claimed to be normal.
I've always been interested in the runDisney half marathons. I remember being there right after Princess weekend and seeing all of the people on the buses and in the parks with their medals. It was really inspiring because there were people of all shapes, sizes, and walks of life. It looked like a goal that anyone could obtain with training and tenacity. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd ever be one of those people, but I wanted to be one of those people. Plus, how wonderful would it be to run through the place that holds so many wonderful family memories for me. Family and friends and people I don't have with me anymore. They're all still there, in that place, in those moments.
The details are fuzzy on how it all came about, and it was a while before I put my mind to a permanent decision on when this would all go down. I recall asking my virtual running group for advice, signing up for a local 10K (for experience and a time to submit), writing out a training schedule, and then eventually marking my vacation time in my work calendar for "February 2019".
Princess Half Marathon 2019 had been decided.
Now I have a little Disney Princess dry erase board from the Dollar Tree sitting in my cubicle at work, counting down the days to registration. I have nerves floating around in my gut because the registration process got changed this year, and they pushed the dates further away than originally planned. I have a countdown on my phone, and I'm debating where the best place to stay is and how to make this all work.
Best of all, I have a goal, and I'm nervous as hell about it - but it's mine. And that is so stinking exciting that I can't even begin to explain to you how exciting it is. This is mine, and no one can take it from me. I know that bad things can happen, and chances are they totally will. Who even knows what will/could happen when I'm away next February? But bad stuff is going to happen no matter where you are, who you're with, or what you try to do to prevent it. You can't prevent life. Life finds a way. The best you can do is live your life for you. Do the things you can do while you can do them. Share your strength and love with others. And remember to be kind to you. Always. In all things.
Now, if you'll excuse me, this princess has a half marathon training schedule to contemplate.
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Thursday, July 14, 2016
I Promised Myself a Blog of Happy
I did. Honestly. I promised myself that this would be a blog for happy things. Things that make me smile. Like Star Wars and Disney and family and friends and kittens and rainbows and all of that good stuff. Then I realized how long it had been since I'd written because - frankly - I haven't really had the energy to ramp up the happy feelings due to everything we've been dealing with on a personal level. To put it plain and simple, our family has suffered a couple of losses .
June 11: The first was an uncle of mine who was riding his motorcycle when he got hit head-on by a car. That was sudden, quick, out-of-the-blue. I had fond memories of him as a kid, and he was my mother's younger brother. I spent time helping Mom, and my friends helped me cry and work it out.
June 17: We attended the funeral, spent time with family, and tried to work through the craziness of the whole situation.
June 23: The Nerd Husband's grandfather - my adopted Papaw, basically - is sent him from a smaller county hospital to the larger city hospital two hours away - where the NH and I live. This whole story starts much earlier - around the beginning of May. He had been in and out of the hospital multiple times with a few issues. At first they said it was gallbladder problems, so they took that out. But issues still persisted, and he ended up back in the hospital with what they called pancreatitis. They treated him, sent him home, and he ended up back again - another round of pancreatitis, they said. Treated him, sent him home, and back again to the hospital he went. Finally, on this trip to the hospital, some "spots" showed up on a scan, and the doctors suggested he go to another hospital to get the pancreas biopsy completed. They packed the whole family up in the cars (6 people), came up here to where the NH and I live, and went to the hospital for the biopsy.
That's where we found out it was pancreatic cancer which had also spread to the liver.
June 24: NH goes to the oral surgeon (one of my biggest fears ever) and has his wisdom teeth and other problem teeth removed (6 teeth total). I try not to freak out while helping him that day.
June 25: NH looks like the poster child for oral surgery with no swelling, no bruising, and able to eat with limited issues. I praise God because this really helps me deal with everything. We get a phone call from his family; Papaw is back in the hospital. I ask NH if he feels up to going down, and he does. So we go. We stay the night then go home.
June 27 - June 29: We work our butts off at work, call his family every day, get updates on the situation and what's going on, etc. We plan on leaving early from work on Friday, July 1st and driving down.
June 30 AM: NH speaks with his Mom on the phone; things appear to be about the same.
June 30 PM: NH speaks with his Mom on the phone; things have taken a turn for the worse. We drive down to visit his family because we just know that we should.
July 1 AM: We spend all day in the hospital. They decide to call in hospice. We help with paperwork and discussions and keeping family calm and uplifted and fed.
July 1 PM: Papaw passed away after the briefest battle of cancer I've ever had the history of witnessing.
From the research I've done, this is the way of pancreatic cancer; it masks itself as so many other things. Gallbladder, pancreatitis, etc. It doesn't even show up on scans until it's too late. A man who had been otherwise healthy and capable and hard-working and tenacious and spunky for 89 years was suddenly gone. A man with a love of life and family and God and Jesus and a faith so strong if could move mountains and build bridges...gone. A man who never failed to ask me, "So what are you working on now?" and would sit with me as I pulled out my phone to show him my latest craft or my sewing project or whatever other weird thing was going on. A man who taught me new things. A man who taught his family to love like he did. A man whose grandson I stole for my husband. This man is gone from this world now. But his legacy lives on forever in all of these things. You can never erase your impact on the world. Never.
So this is my post that blows the happy stuff out of the water: Star Wars and Disney and family and friends and kittens and rainbows and all of that good stuff blown to bits by one post. However, if I really stop and think about it, all of these things aren't truly 100% happy. Star Wars makes me cry (like a baby, actually, if we're talking The Force Awakens. Damn you, Kylo Ren. Yes. Damn. I'll even curse on the happy blog because that's how sad you make me). Disney makes me cry (thank you, Up. I was having a bad day and figured I'd take myself to a movie to make myself feel better about life...oh...oops. Cue Shada sinking into the theater seat so no one sees her sobs of ugly shame). There are sad moments that revolve around family and friends, too - losses and struggles that we all face. Kittens...okay, I don't cry in sadness for kittens. Unless they're being hurt or abused. Rainbows make me cry happy sometimes or cry sad if they make me think about people from the past.
So what I'm trying to say as I ramble on is this: Yes. It's my blog. Yes. It's a happy blog (mostly). Will we talk about sad things too? Well, of course. Star Wars is full of sad things. Disney is full of sad things. Life is full of sad things. You can't take the sad out of life because, if we did, where would we find the joy? The belly laughs? The bursts of sheer childlike wonder that fuel us to do crazy things? We have to have all of these things wrapped up in one - joy and sadness (thank you, Inside Out).
That's why the things I love work. That's why Star Wars works - because it's joy and sadness - it's life - mixed in one. That's why Disney works. That's why I love my family, my friends, my kitten (who is a cat now, and I love her even more), and my rainbows as well as the rainstorms that bring them.
They're all good things - even when they come with an order of bad on the side.
June 11: The first was an uncle of mine who was riding his motorcycle when he got hit head-on by a car. That was sudden, quick, out-of-the-blue. I had fond memories of him as a kid, and he was my mother's younger brother. I spent time helping Mom, and my friends helped me cry and work it out.
June 17: We attended the funeral, spent time with family, and tried to work through the craziness of the whole situation.
June 23: The Nerd Husband's grandfather - my adopted Papaw, basically - is sent him from a smaller county hospital to the larger city hospital two hours away - where the NH and I live. This whole story starts much earlier - around the beginning of May. He had been in and out of the hospital multiple times with a few issues. At first they said it was gallbladder problems, so they took that out. But issues still persisted, and he ended up back in the hospital with what they called pancreatitis. They treated him, sent him home, and he ended up back again - another round of pancreatitis, they said. Treated him, sent him home, and back again to the hospital he went. Finally, on this trip to the hospital, some "spots" showed up on a scan, and the doctors suggested he go to another hospital to get the pancreas biopsy completed. They packed the whole family up in the cars (6 people), came up here to where the NH and I live, and went to the hospital for the biopsy.
That's where we found out it was pancreatic cancer which had also spread to the liver.
June 24: NH goes to the oral surgeon (one of my biggest fears ever) and has his wisdom teeth and other problem teeth removed (6 teeth total). I try not to freak out while helping him that day.
June 25: NH looks like the poster child for oral surgery with no swelling, no bruising, and able to eat with limited issues. I praise God because this really helps me deal with everything. We get a phone call from his family; Papaw is back in the hospital. I ask NH if he feels up to going down, and he does. So we go. We stay the night then go home.
June 27 - June 29: We work our butts off at work, call his family every day, get updates on the situation and what's going on, etc. We plan on leaving early from work on Friday, July 1st and driving down.
June 30 AM: NH speaks with his Mom on the phone; things appear to be about the same.
June 30 PM: NH speaks with his Mom on the phone; things have taken a turn for the worse. We drive down to visit his family because we just know that we should.
July 1 AM: We spend all day in the hospital. They decide to call in hospice. We help with paperwork and discussions and keeping family calm and uplifted and fed.
July 1 PM: Papaw passed away after the briefest battle of cancer I've ever had the history of witnessing.
From the research I've done, this is the way of pancreatic cancer; it masks itself as so many other things. Gallbladder, pancreatitis, etc. It doesn't even show up on scans until it's too late. A man who had been otherwise healthy and capable and hard-working and tenacious and spunky for 89 years was suddenly gone. A man with a love of life and family and God and Jesus and a faith so strong if could move mountains and build bridges...gone. A man who never failed to ask me, "So what are you working on now?" and would sit with me as I pulled out my phone to show him my latest craft or my sewing project or whatever other weird thing was going on. A man who taught me new things. A man who taught his family to love like he did. A man whose grandson I stole for my husband. This man is gone from this world now. But his legacy lives on forever in all of these things. You can never erase your impact on the world. Never.
So this is my post that blows the happy stuff out of the water: Star Wars and Disney and family and friends and kittens and rainbows and all of that good stuff blown to bits by one post. However, if I really stop and think about it, all of these things aren't truly 100% happy. Star Wars makes me cry (like a baby, actually, if we're talking The Force Awakens. Damn you, Kylo Ren. Yes. Damn. I'll even curse on the happy blog because that's how sad you make me). Disney makes me cry (thank you, Up. I was having a bad day and figured I'd take myself to a movie to make myself feel better about life...oh...oops. Cue Shada sinking into the theater seat so no one sees her sobs of ugly shame). There are sad moments that revolve around family and friends, too - losses and struggles that we all face. Kittens...okay, I don't cry in sadness for kittens. Unless they're being hurt or abused. Rainbows make me cry happy sometimes or cry sad if they make me think about people from the past.
So what I'm trying to say as I ramble on is this: Yes. It's my blog. Yes. It's a happy blog (mostly). Will we talk about sad things too? Well, of course. Star Wars is full of sad things. Disney is full of sad things. Life is full of sad things. You can't take the sad out of life because, if we did, where would we find the joy? The belly laughs? The bursts of sheer childlike wonder that fuel us to do crazy things? We have to have all of these things wrapped up in one - joy and sadness (thank you, Inside Out).
That's why the things I love work. That's why Star Wars works - because it's joy and sadness - it's life - mixed in one. That's why Disney works. That's why I love my family, my friends, my kitten (who is a cat now, and I love her even more), and my rainbows as well as the rainstorms that bring them.
They're all good things - even when they come with an order of bad on the side.
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