I look at this blog, and I feel intimidated. Kind of funny, really - it's a blog about Disney and Star Wars, and I look at it and go, "I don't want to write in that. It'll take too long. I'll sound stupid. There's too much to say, and I don't have the time to care about it."
It's all a lot of excuses because I feel like I need to talk about something. But the truth is, I don't need to talk about anything. I ran my first half marathon, and I feel like I need to write up this big, long post about everything that happened. But I don't need to do anything. I don't owe the world anything. I only owe it to myself to remember that it was amazing. I smiled the entire time I ran. I ran 13.1 miles with a freakin' chest cold, and I was never more grateful for hot weather and 90% humidity in my life. I could breathe because of that weather, and I believe it contributed to me getting through. My homemade Rapunzel-esque costume worked perfectly. I got pictures with princesses before the race started. They had fireworks going when I was running into Magic Kingdom. They played "Back in the Saddle Again" when I crossed into Frontierland,
and I thought of my Mom and Dad and all of the years we've spent
together in Florida building memories. That made me smile even more.
And I got through. I'm officially a Disney Half Marathon princess now. Pascal and I made our way through all of those miles to cross the finish line with a smile on our faces, and it was worth every moment of training that I put into it last year. I found my nerd husband (who was having a good health morning that morning), and he met me with a single, bright red rose. He was so proud of me. He was beaming. He took my picture, and he showed me video of me in the home stretch. He was cheering loudly on the video. I never got the chance to see him even though I looked, but he was here, and he was so, so proud. It made me feel amazing.
Would I do it again? Yes, I would. But I think I'm going to wait for Star Wars because I'm assuming that at some point in the future, that half marathon course will run through Star Wars Land...and I'm not missing out on that.
It's back to real life now - at least for a little bit. It sort of stunned me when I looked at the calendar just a bit ago and realized we're only a little more than a month away from our trip for Star Wars Celebration in Chicago. That's insane! With everything going on in life (and believe me, behind the scenes, there's a LOT of crap going on), I kind of forgot all about it. Which means I also forgot all about all of my grand plans for costuming and starting early and whatnot.
Right now, I'm sitting here thinking I might not even bring a costume. That feels odd considering I've at least had one costume at every convention I've attended. So I'm still thinking it through and deciding how I feel as time passes by. Honestly, my attentions are elsewhere in life right now, and costuming or sewing or creation of anything just feels like work. I have enough on my plate, and the last thing I want to do it accumulate more work and/or heartache for myself. Add on to that the fact that I actually gained weight while training for this half marathon (oops), and I don't want to make myself feel bad about the fact that some things just might not fit. I accept that because, hey, I was able to run a half marathon and finish strongly. I don't need to get ahead of myself and undermine my accomplishment. I'll get back to where I was, but I don't want to subject myself to the pain of feeling bad because such-and-such pants don't fit, and omgtheworldisgoingtoendbecausei'mfat.
So I'm over here kind of in limbo - looking at costume upgrade and changes I could make to existing costumes, not wanting to spend the money because of personal challenges we're facing at the moment, wondering if taking this trip is a good idea, but knowing that ultimately it is a good idea, curious about how long it'll take me to get back into a shape I'm 100% comfortable with, debating whether or not I should eat another girl scout cookie because they're too darned good, hoping our friends aren't annoyed that we haven't reached out to make plans with them, and wishing I could just sit and rest and not have this insane run-on sentence of worries flow through my head 24/7.
The paragraph about is why I don't write here (or anywhere) hardly at all. I feel obligated or concerned, and I don't write with reckless abandon like I used to. But this entire post was recklessly written with abandon (and then a little editing at the end), so maybe this is what I need to do. Maybe it's just like training for that half marathon. Take your time. Make yourself strong. Remember it's okay to fail. Remember it's okay to amend your plans. Remember that life doesn't always work the way you want it to, but it does work, and you can work within it. That's what I want to strive to do. I want to strive to keep moving, keep working, and keep pushing forward.
At a particularly rough patch this winter, I wrote a note on a purple post-it and attached it to my monitor at work. Dated January 16, 2019, it reads: "I have the strength to keep going - mentally and physically. I've proven it time and time again."
As Han would say, "It's true. All of it."
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