My Main Squeeze - The Nine Pound Lemon Tree

Well, there are definitely some Star Wars and Disney things to talk about here lately.  And what have I been doing?  Ignoring this space because "reasons".  Yep, I do a lot of ignoring these days in favor of focusing on other things, but I also know that getting back into the things I once loved is also extremely important.  Thus, here I am.  In the virtual writing flesh.

Today I want to write about something silly because it makes me happy and because it's Disney related and because NINE POUND LEMONS.  That's right.  You hear me.  Nine pound lemons.

Anyone who has gone to EPCOT with me has been inevitably dragged on the Living with the Lands ride.  And - also inevitably - I will seek, point at, and then excitedly jabber about the nine pound lemon trees that live inside the greenhouse.  Seriously, I love them.  I don't know why.  I like lemons.  Lemons are great.  Lemons are tasty, and they're cool looking, and they make great drinks and desserts and things.  But they're all of this to the nth degree when they're nine freakin' pounds (and sometimes even larger).

During our "year of Disney" to celebrate the Nerd Husband's and my 5th wedding anniversary, we decided to take the Behind the Seeds tour at EPCOT.  This was such an unexpectedly awesome tour, and I am so glad we decided to take it.  It was relatively inexpensive for a Disney tour.  The website currently lists adults prices at $25 and child prices at $20, and the tour time is listed around one hour (but ours lasted around 1.5 hours or so because of reasons I'll explain later).  The day we decided to go, we just walked up the counter outside of the Soarin' ride, made our reservation, purchased our tickets, and waited for our tour time.

We were lucky that day.  There were four of us on the entire tour - all adults and all home-gardeners.  The cast member giving the tour seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself because we kept asking questions and were genuinely interested in everything going on.  He kept us longer than usual and even led us a little of the beaten path so we could get a better look at things.  We got to visit the fish farm and feed the fish (talk about feeling like a child, throwing a bunch of fish food in and then watching fish just go everywhere).  We learned about hydroponics, picked up our own plan for a homemade hydroponic garden, and taste-tested veggies from the greenhouse.  We learned about weird plants, how they grow things, and how they use the things they grow.  We got to see and touch things we'd ordinarily only be able to look at.

And then - oh, then, my good people - we got to the nine pound lemon trees.

I squealed a little - maybe even outwardly.  It was obvious I was excited for no really good reason other than ginormous citrus fruits.  But the tour guide talked about things, and I listened and tried to remain calm.  Then he reached into a basket and pulled out not one but two huge nine pound lemons.  "Who wants to hold one?"

I was kind.  I let the other couple who was there hold the lemons first, but buddy, when it was my turn, I was so stinking excited.  Here I was!  The fruit of my efforts (ha!) realized!  I had a lemon!  No!  Two lemons!  (The Nerd Husband gave me his to hold, too.)  The thoughts that went through my head jumbled around and basically exploded into TWO NINE POUND LEMONS IN MY HANDS LOOK THEY ARE REAL OMGOODNESS.

There's a picture that goes along with this.  If I ever find it, I'll post it.  Because the look at my face is childlike joy.  It's kind of embarrassing and amazing all at the same time.

So today's moral is do the thing.  Find your happy.  Find your nine pound lemon.  Hold it and realize that it's real, tangible, and truly worthy of loving simply because it brings you joy.

Oh, and I bought a nine pound lemon dress.  It's actually just a dress covered in lemons, but lemons are cooler when they're nine pound lemons.  Love makes you do crazy things.

So today, I raise a glass of nine pound lemonade (I've heard it's tasty from the cast member who gave us our tour) to the nine pound lemon tree of Living with the Lands.  May you continue to bloom and blossom and bring me citrusy joy for the remainder of my days.

Dreams and Hope and Fandom

This blog has been sitting quietly for a while now.  I pull it up now and then and stare at it - wondering what will fall on the page next.  But nothing seems appropriate right now.  I don't feel like going back and rehashing Celebration.  I haven't looked through the convention photos much at all.  I haven't worked on any new sewing projects.  I don't have anything super-lined up and ready to go.  The basement is still a mess from April, and I work on cleaning it up piece by piece, week by week.

The truth is we've had some challenging times going on personally, and that's really put me in a down place.  I struggle to maintain a positive attitude, but my personal journal is full of a lot of swearing and sadness and blah right now.  I don't want to bring that over here into this space because this place is different.  I want to keep this as it is - hopeful.  So today, when I was feeling a bit hopeful, I decided I'd swing by and give it a shot...and maybe make it Disney or Star Wars related.

Hope is a big thing in both of these fandoms.  For example, in Disney, dreams are basically just far-fetched hopes, right?  When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.  A dream is a wish your heart makes.  I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream.  You could seriously exchange dream for hope in each of these sentences, and really your meaning won't change much.

However, if you flip on over to Star Wars, dreams take on a little darker tone in some places.  They become things we hope for or don't hope for - they aren't always good things.  At nine years old, Anakin has a dream that he was a Jedi.  In Attack of the Clones, Anakin keeps dreaming about Padmé.  In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin dreams Padmé will die in childbirth.  Luke looks around Dagobah and comments that it feels familiar like something out of a dream.  These dreams are still steeped in hope, even if they contain darker elements.  Hope of a future.  Hope of love.  Hope of saving the one you love.  Hope of being in the right place at the right time.

It all comes back to one thing - dreams and hope.  Disney and Star Wars can be reduced down to that if you boil it long enough.  And so can life, really.  Those are the things that I believe sustain us through the times when we're down or when it seems like we just can't catch a break.  I believe that as long as we get up in them morning and go do our day-to-day thing and then lay back down to sleep at the end of the day, then we have hope.  If there was no hope of a better tomorrow, then we wouldn't see the point.  Some days we don't see the points, that's true.  But you know what?  We keep going.  And that's magnificent, isn't it?  That we have that power, that drive.  That we can dream of a better day even when the current moment shows us everything to the contrary?

It's astounding what we're capable of if we'd just give ourselves the chance to shine.

Illness, Schedules, and Good Enough Lists

Man, have I been down.

Last Wednesday I was running around, checking things off my list, got home, got ready to make dinner, went to go talk to the Nerd Husband, and then stood there in the living room and said, "I feel shivery.  Are you cold?"

Thus it began - the saga of the flu.

I foolishly thought perhaps I could slug through the beginnings of my feverish state by working on the costume and fighting it with some cold meds.  I finished off the Jyn Erso gloves which was a huge accomplishment, but after I dragged myself upstairs (almost literally), I realized just how little energy I had.  And my joints had started to ache.  I took my temperature (99 at that point), took another dose of medicine and went to bed.  I woke up in the middle of the night yelling at NH because I thought he was cutting me with his toes (yay, fever-brain).  I took my temp again at that point, and it hit 101.  The Tylenol in the cold meds wasn't cutting it, so I downed some ibuprofen and water, covered up my feverish self, and tried to sleep.

I stayed home from work on Thursday.  I kept the fever.  I also kept the fever for part of Friday, so I stayed home again.  There was no costuming.  There was no moving.  There was only the couch, my pillow, my blanket, my cat, my many fluids, what food I could eat, and Netflix.  Lots of Netflix.  Saturday and Sunday were more of the same, sadly enough, though this time quite feverless which was a welcomed relief.  Sunday night, I finally allowed myself just a little bit of work time on the costume as a way to relax.  It felt so good to feel kind of human again.

Monday was a rough work day for me - all the way around.  It felt like if it could go wrong, it did, and not just with work stuff.  It just felt like it was a day of bombardment, and I was so tired by the end of it.  But I started to perk up a bit more in the evening, and I allowed myself a bit more work time on the costume.  Getting things put together on that vest just made me feel happy.  I still didn't sleep well thanks to the cough I have, but such is the way of things.

This week will be a trial to get through, but I think it's possible to get through it.  There's a lot to do - personally, work-wise, and vacation-prep-wise, but I'm moving along as best I can.  There are some things that are just going to have to be written off, and that's okay.  But my brain still has a hard time writing them off.  It tends to think, "No, you can do this!"  I think the best way to combat that is to make myself a list.  Yay, lists!

The Jyn Erso "Good Enough" Versus "Ideal" Costume List

• Boots
• Good enough: as is
• Ideal: add boot covers and buckles, add weathering
• Pants
• Good enough: Kohl's slim-cut black pants, minor work required
• Need to replace one hook/eye
• Ideal: slim down thrift store pants, add pin tucks, twill tape, buckles, etc., and add weathering
• Belt
• Good enough: reuse Lara Croft belt
• Ideal: create an accurate Jyn belt, and add weathering
• Gun
• Good enough: empty holster
• Ideal: 3D print or foam replica, and add weathering
• Shirt
• Good enough: blue-gray 3/4 sleeve shirt from Kohl's
• Ideal: create accurate shirt from scratch, and add weathering
• Scarf
• Good enough: as is
• Ideal: add weathering
• Green jacket
• Good enough: as is (minus the Rogue One patch I sewed onto the sleeve for fun)
• Ideal: paint yellow stripes down the sides of the sleeves, and add weathering
• Brown vest
• Good enough: some work required
• Sew on remaining felt pieces (2) - Tuesday night
• Sew on storm flap to left side (1) - Tuesday night
• Sew on hook to right side (1) - Tuesday night
• Attach elastic waist - Tuesday or Wednesday night
• Sew/attach buckles to tubing (4) - buckles at top and bottom - Friday night
• Sew/attach tubing to both sides (2) - Friday night
• Ideal:
• Version 1: add weathering
• Version 2: make from scratch 
• Necklace
• Good enough: as is
• Ideal: honestly, even though mine isn't accurate, I like mine
• Pocket tool
• Good enough: flashlight from Meijer
• Ideal: 2 cylinders needed
• Vest ID Badge
• Good enough: no badge
• Ideal: create badge from craft foam and attach to vest

There's one other thing that I have to remember to make, and that's a new pair of bracers for Asajj Ventress.  Honestly, they won't take me long - maybe a half hour?  For some odd reason, I threw my old ones away - I have no idea why.  But I should be able to pull something together very easily with little worry.   I'd like to do those on Friday night, too.

Originally, Wednesday night was supposed to be my Mom's birthday celebration, but Mom and Dad are both down with the crud, as well.  Mom suggested we all get together when we're well, and that makes sense to me.  So now Wednesday might be packing night.  On Thursday, NH and I are going to swing by my sister and brother-in-law's place and drop off my nephew's birthday present.

Somewhere in the middle of everything, I'll rest.  I need that, too, because I'm still not great.  This cough makes my chest wheeze like Vader's breathing apparatus.

And you know, of course our flight leaves on Sunday.  I'm not cutting it close.  Nah.  It's all good.  Well, at least it's all good enough.

If You Bleed on It, It Must Be Worth Working On

After this weekend, my fingertips hurt.  The index finger of my left hand has a bandaid on it now (which makes typing uber-weird) that covers up a neat little chunk I took out of my finger with a straight pin.  My middle finger on the left hand has a little red dot from where I poked myself with a needle.  The thumb and index finger of my right hand have similar little red dots, and I also have a neat little "stitch ripped" line where I tried to rip the stitches from my own flesh (oops).  The basement trash can is full of little blood-stained tissues.  My work space kind of looks like Seymour Krelborn's work space at Mushnik's Flower Shop (you know, before he started feeding Audrey II people).

This blog entry is taking an interesting turn...  Let's move on.

Since I started sewing, I've had a saying.  I don't even know where the saying started in my project-line, but over the years, I keep it in the forefront of my mind every time I work on something: if you bleed on it, it must be worth working on.  For me, this basically means that if you went through this much - this much pain and this much hurt - to get here and you're still going, then it must be worth fighting for.  Very rarely does bleeding actually help a project.  Usually you have a brief moment of panic and insert an outcry/curse (I learned how to curse when I learned how to sew - that's another blog entry for another time).  Then you assess the wound, check for bleeding and then, finally, stop the bleeding before it gets on important things like fabric.  (Unless, of course, you're working on a weathered Lara Croft costume.  In that case, wipe that wound on whatever item is closest to you and call it "accurate".)

This weekend, I spent most of my time working on the Jyn Erso vest.  This is the brown vest that I originally purchased off of eBay that I was planing on wearing "as is" and just saying "forget accuracy".  This is the vest we'll be speaking off:


So Thursday night, I happened to be starting at the vest and I thought, "Wait.  No.  I can make this cooler.  Way cooler."  (This is how all good and bad ideas start, it seems, so it's difficult to differentiate between the two upfront.)

So I sat down with my stitch ripper, turned on my Rogue One soundtrack, and went to town ripping out those stitches.  It didn't stop there.  It got way uglier and more involved than a few ripped stitches.

Below is a rundown of how this vest saga has turned out so far:

Thursday

• I ripped out stitches that held in a front zipper.  I pulled the zipper and additional zipper panels off.
• I ripped the stitches out of the collar because I knew I'd eventually have to shorten in both height and length.
• I cut off a chunk of the vest in order to shorten it, with the intent of adding an elastic waistline later.
• Since the vest was a little snug, I went ahead and ripped out the side seam stitches with the intent of stitching those back up with a smaller seam allowance.
• Since I was already staring at the inside of the vest anyway, I decided it was a little too "puffy" for Jyn.  I snipped holes into the interfacing that held the fluff batting, and I pulled out about half of it in each and every section of the vest.  I hand-stitched these holes back up because it made them lay a little flatter and neater.

  

  Vest guts in the basement

• Then, since everything was already torn apart and it made it easier for me to do any sort of decorative stitching, I decided to go ahead and start making the decorative lines that are on the front of Jyn's vest.
• I went to bed quite happy with where this was all going.
• We ended with something like this at midnight:
  

Friday

• Trip to JoAnn's to pick up some fabric for pockets, details, additional stuff, lining, etc.  
• I added the decorative stitching to the other side of the vest.
• I shortened the collar in all ways it needed to be shortened and stitched it down. 

Saturday

• Trip to JoAnn's (again) to pick up coordinating thread that I forgot to pick up on Friday.  Also picked up some stiff felt pieces to use as "webbing" because I can't find any dark brown webbing.  And this is "good enough".
• Decided the back of the vest would look "super awesome" if I actually quilted it like Jyn's in the movie.  So I ripped more stitches, pulled out more stuffing, did some research on tie quilting, and then measured and marked and quilted.  By hand.  Ouch.

  

  Learning new things - like floss tied quilting

• Then, because the torture wasn't quite exquisite enough, I decided that I could totally change the lining of the jacket from tan to the screen-accurate red.  So I got down on the floor, put a piece of tissue paper over my vest, drew out a rough pattern with seam allowances, and then cut out my two side lining pieces.  
• I hand-stitched one of the side lining pieces, and I pinned the other one in place.
• I cut up some of the stiff felt to use as the two webbing pieces on the vest front and tested placement.
• I decided to hand-stitch the yellow stitch lines that go from the shoulder to the waist band of the vest.  I completed one of four which allowed me to place the faux-webbing.
• I stitched down the faux-webbing.

Sunday

• Turned on my sewing machine to realize I'd blown the light bulb.  Cue the third trip to JoAnn's in just as many days.  Light bulb found.  Got caught in store by thunderstorm.  Looked around.  Remembered I needed elastic.  So remembered to get that.
• Decided I could do a back lining piece, too (I'm so glad I'm making this "easy" on myself).  Did the same pattern mock-up with the tissue paper, cut my fabric piece, pinned it in.
• I finished hand-stitching in all three lining pieces while watching movies with the Nerd Husband.   
• I finished hand-stitching in the last three yellow stitch lines from shoulder to waist band.
• To cut down on the bulk of the garment (because it was currently outer layer, batting, interfacing, original lining, red lining), I decided to cut out as many portions of the original tan lining as I could get to.  Some areas were hard to reach and other areas were kept to help stabilize the whole thing.
• I tried to play with a pocket pattern and drafted out two patterns that didn't work out for me.  I'm trying to figure out how to add the gusset and make it look decent.  It was late when I started, though, so I gave up and went to bed.  

After all of that, we're looking at a project that currently looks like this:

Now I'm actually sitting in the basement trying to figure out what my "next steps" are.  I received a PM from a poster on the RPF boards today in response to my inquiry about the pockets, and they were very kind to provide me with their pattern and instructions.  However, I don't have those print-outs sitting in front of me right now, and my brain is really kind of tired.  I'm not sure that's something I want to try and mess with this late at night.  Really, I wanted to try to type all of this out so I had it out there - so I could see some of my own progress and just how far along this thing has come.   Yeah, I've bled on it.  Yeah, I've taken some chunks out of my fingers, flung a few curses, and drank my weight in Diet Mt. Dew into the wee hours of the morning.  But it's been worth it.   It'll all be worth it.

A Mixture of Things and Stuff

Just a little lunchtime update - because I need to share the awesome.

The baby shower (which was the second column on my massive to do list that I've been keeping for weeks now) was yesterday, and it went off without a hitch!  It was so awesome to have everyone come together for the planning, set-up, and clean-up of the whole event.  Our whole bunch worked together so well, and it made things so super easy.  I think everyone had a great time.

So now, that column on the to do list will get hidden, and we focus on only two columns - "Personal" and "Celebration" (as in Star Wars Celebration).  It's so satisfying to see the time dwindling down toward vacation, and yet I'm also slightly panicky on occasion.  However - just like the baby shower - I think this will all come together and be a pretty awesome event.

Costume-wise, I didn't do anything over the weekend because I was working on baby shower planning and whatnot.  But I did have some fun little costuming things that popped up last week at various times.  I did do some work Thursday and Friday nights, so we can talk a little bit about that, at least.

Thursday night I decided to take some time to work on yet another Asajj Ventress make-up test.  This one went really well, and I'm thrilled with the new make-up style that I'm testing out.  I managed to find some great matte eyeshadows for shading and defining, too.  I'll have to write-up a more detailed post on this later when I have time, but I think it'll work out really well.

Friday was St. Patrick's Day, so I wanted to follow tradition and wear some green but with a nerdy twist.  I pulled out my Her Universe Death Star Plans dress (because it has green in it), my almost-complete Jyn jacket, a Rogue One patch that I quickly stitched onto the jacket sleeve, and some shamrock socks.  I put it all together for a pretty nifty outfit, if I do say so myself.   Not one person noticed.  I so felt like a Rebel spy.  It was awesome.  Also, a little part of me was sad that no one noticed, but the other part of me felt cool for being such an expert undercover operative.  So points for me on the Imaginary Scoreboard of Life.

I also finished up the Kyber Crystal necklace on Friday night by adding the findings onto the leather cord and adding a dab of glue to keep it all secure.  I'm kind of proud of this little project for a few reasons.  First of all, it allowed me to use some items I already had sitting around the house (leather cording, wire, jewelry findings and jump rings).  The only things I purchased for this particular part of the costume was some E6000 glue (which I have never used before in my life and really need more practice with) and a little quartz crystal from a fun little local shop called Accent on Nature.  Secondly, I got to visit this awesome little store I otherwise might not have run into, and I actually ended up spending way more time looking around than I intended.  I found the employee working that evening was so engaging and willing to help out.  He wanted to see the image from the movie, and then he walked around to help me find ways to replicate the project.  It was extremely helpful for a person like me who has little to no experience in jewelry-making.  They also had shop kitties that roamed around and helped you out with your shopping experience.  It was pretty excellent.

Friday was also a test of some fabric paint for the Jyn jacket.  I tried a mixture of yellow acrylic and white Tulip "puffy paint" again to get that screen printed puff quality, but I'm either not mixing it at the correct ratio or the puffy paint properties just get lost when you mix in the acrylic.  I can't really mix too much more white in, though, because then my yellow starts to turn to a pastel, and Jyn is not an Easter egg.  I've been playing with mixing up some colors along with the yellow acrylic I have, too - just to see if another shade needs to be used.  But I can't find anything I like.  The black made it green.  The tan did almost the same thing as the white and turned it pastel yellow again.  And honestly, I kind of like how the yellow looks on its own.  So I might just go with that.  We'll see.

Finally - today - I decided to throw a bit more costume stuff together.  I grabbed the Kyber crystal necklace and the almost-complete Jyn jacket on my way out the door for work.  The Kyber crystal held up fantastically.  No issues.  However, the second run of the Jyn jacket actually caused some popped stitches in the back area.  I had created a little shoulder vent by using a blind hem stitch because I thought it looked better than an actual seam would down the back shoulders of the jacket.  However, two of the stitches popped when I tried to throw it over my shoulder this morning and pull it into place.  It tugged at the fibers of the fabric weave, too, and it kind of messed them up.  Not a big deal, really, but definitely one I'm going to have to revisit (do I care to add a seam or simply leave "as is").

Despite all of this, I think my next stop on this little project is working on the gloves.  I need to shorten those, add the wrist strap, and then those should be done and ready to go.  Once those are done, I'll figure out the next step and then the next, until - finally - we'll have something that's "close enough" and hopefully still looks pretty darned fun.

An Update on Why There's No Update

I've been wanting to write out a post just so I can try to keep up with things a bit more regularly, but I find that every time I put some words on the screen, I just end up deleting them.  I think it's because it's mostly just my daily ramblings about costume projects.  Issues I'm having with sewing or creating things.  Or just posts that say, "omg I completed 2 things and have 50 more left to go!"  So I delete those types of posts, and this blog just sits silently.

Well, no more, my friends!  Today you will get an update on why there hasn't been an update.  Actually, I already updated you on that (see opening paragraph).  So now...on to an update of rambling and half-finished proportions!

My life has been reduced down into four columns on a spreadsheet, and that spreadsheet is my current tie to sanity.  I have a white column with the date, a purple column for personal things, a pink column for baby shower planning, and a blue column for Star Wars Celebration preparation.  I update my list every day, multiple times a day.  I italicize any items to make them as "done".  A row gets hidden when the day is over.  Leftover tasks that don't get italicized get moved to another day.  It's simplistic but oh-so-effective for me in this hectic time.

I wanted to give a run-down of the Celebration preparation activities that have actually happened.  I think if I see them listed out, it'll make me feel better.  (And we don't have to talk about the things that are left to do because that will not make me feel better...)

What Has Happened (Since Monday, February 13th)

• Finished last hand-stitched hem on finger of Jyn gloves
• Kohl's shopping for blue-gray shirt and pants for Jyn
• Failure on first trip
• Success on the second trip!
• Got Asajj Ventress make-up in mail; did 2nd make-up test
• 1st make-up test was done with old paint that was already on-hand and was completed prior to 2/13
• Painted test stripes with puff paint and puff paint/acrylic mix for Jyn jacket
• Heated up iron and tested puff paint
• Puff paint really puffs; puff paint/acrylic mix did nothing
• New Jyn vest arrived from eBay; too small but will work
• Old Jyn vest was blogged about previously; a tan piece of blah that will probably sit this one out
• Trip to thrift store for Jyn items - no luck
• Trip to JoAnn's to buy fabric for Jyn scarf - no luck
• Trip to WalMart to buy fabric for Jyn scarf - success
• New Asajj make-up arrived
• Asajj princess dress and raven finger puppet arrives (this silly idea deserve it's own post, really; maybe someday)
• Try on princess dress
• Stare at awkwardly fitting dress in the mirror
• Prep dress for return
• Give dress to Nerd Husband to drop off to UPS for return
• Keep raven finger puppet because he's amazingly awesome
• Buy more thread from JoAnn's
• Check out thrift store for friend's planned Cassian costume and send pics to friend
• Check out thrift store for dark brown webbing or belts - no luck
• Find Asajj skirt in dirty clothes and wash skirt
• Restitch shoulder seam on Jyn jacket
• Repin and finish blind stitch on Jyn jacket back
• Finish sleeve detail on Jyn jacket
• Work on Jyn necklace

 What's funny is that after I read this, I realize there are other things in there that I completed that I didn't list out!  How unfair of me is that; I just didn't give myself credit for those things.  For shame on me.  Seriously.

Now I have to stop.  Because writing a blog post was not on my To Do list.

But it is now.

Because marking "done" things in italicized font is my life.

Jyn Costume Update - Shirt & Pants

I take back all of the mean, nasty things I uttered about Kohl's when I left there on Monday night.  On Tuesday, they were redeemed.  I ended up finding the "good enough" Jyn shirt online with free shipping to store.  Plus, they were having a two day sale, which knocked it down about half-price.  I ordered it and went to pick it up Tuesday night before I got home.

The moment I walked into Kohl's, it started pouring down rain, so I figured I might as well waste some time and let it die down.  I started looking through clearance racks for the fun of it, and I ran across a pair of black pants which would be excellent for Jyn.  They aren't perfect by any means, but they had the right shape.  I could use them as a template (if I have time), or I can use them as a costume piece.  I went to try them on, and I loved them.  One of the little hook/eyes was broken, though, but I held onto them anyway.

I went to pick up my shirt, double-checked the size and color, and then went up to the front of the store to check out with my new-found pants.  I was mulling the situation over about the broken hook/eye.  Technically, the item is damaged, so I kind of thought I had a good chance on asking for an additional discount.  After all, it worked at JoAnn Fabrics with the vest fabric I bought.  But they were also on super-clearance, so I really wasn't sure.

I got up to the counter, showed the cashier the issue, and asked, "This might be a dumb question, but could you give me a little extra discount on these?"

She responded with, "Not a dumb question at all.  I can do 15%."

Sold.  And more proof that it never hurts to ask politely.

So I walked out the door with a Jyn shirt and Jyn pants.  My Jyn might be looking a little pristine with all of this new clothing - lol.  Not exactly what I was aiming for, but it'll work in a pinch.  And we are definitely in a pinch.  I'm keeping track of my To Do list in a spreadsheet, day-by-day, trying to make all of this work.  It's satisfying to see the things get crossed off, so I've gotta stick with that mentality.  If things get bumped to different days, I can't let that deter me.  I'll get there as best I can.

Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I'm a Big Ol' Mope.

Mope.  That was the word of the day yesterday.  Mope mope mope.  Which is kind of a funny word when you think of it.

Last night was another discouraging night in the land of costumes.  It was a bad brain day, and those days tend to be plaguing me more often than not lately.  I let my pessimistic person out to play a bit, and a few people got the brunt of it at work.  I'm thankful for their patience, but it can't be easy when someone responds to your "things will get better" with "no, they won't - they never do."  Yep.  Cringe-worthy pessimistic response of despair right there.  Really, I should have just said "thank you" and taken their words to be encouraging.  Instead, I sank further into my personal mope until the mopery clouded every other single thing I did that night.

I went shopping for some supplies for a baby shower that we're throwing for a friend, and I then questioned everything I purchased when I got home.  I also went shopping for a couple of costume items - a "good enough" shirt and pants for Jyn Erso and a necklace for a Once Upon a Time Disney Bounding project that another friend of mine and I are working on for April (that's another post).  I found a necklace, but it wasn't what I had originally intended to purchase; it just looked cool.  I didn't find pants.  I found a shirt that was perfect - but it wasn't in my size and it wasn't on sale.  I did manage to find a couple of cool t-shirts for my Nerd Husband and my bro-in-law, but I still kind of left feeling let down.  I then hit a thrift store nearby (which I shouldn't have; I never have luck at this particular one), and then decided - since I'm out - I might as well try Marshall's because they're right across the street.

Nothing.  Nothing nothing nothing.  Grr.

I got home and saw that all of my fun eBay purchases had arrived today (3 of them) - a baby shower item, a Jyn vest, and the Disney Bound shirt.  The baby shower item was a vintage book in great condition.  Check.  The Jyn vest was...awful.  The wrong color (tan - my fault, should have read better - but the pictures made it look less tan that it is which is...pretty darned tan).  It fit funky.  It was just ugh.  Which - unfortunately - that disappointment carried over into the Disney Bound shirt (which I really think will be pretty cool despite it not being 100% my style).

So I sat on the couch, clicked through eBay, and moped.  I texted a friend with a mope that consisted of something along the lines of "I give up - meh".  I moped on Facebook about the Kohl's shirt.  I even flat-out admitted to the Nerd Husband I was moping.

NH:  Are you tired?
Me:  No.  But if you're tired, you should go lie down.
NH:  I don't want to leave you down here by yourself.
Me:  I'm okay.
NH:  What are you going to do?
Me:  Mope.

Yep.  It kind of went like that.

In the middle of all of my moping, I had some people who reached out.  I kind of shut out the light they were shedding on the situation last night, but this morning I want to thank them.  All of them.  My sister-in-law for offering to look for the shirt at another Kohl's.  My friend on Facebook who gave me the info about getting free shipping if you order a different size of the same item from a Kohl's kiosk.  My friend who listened and responded to my moping texts with encouragement.  My NH for putting up with my sorry butt.

You all must have done your job well, because - in the middle of my moping - I made a snap-decision to purchase a new brown vest on eBay.  It's on it's way.  I figure if it doesn't work, then at least it's in nice enough condition that I can wear it in "real" life.  I went to bed and laid there for what felt like forever, trying to sleep, until finally I drifted off into weird dreams.

This morning, I woke up with a renewed s sense of Lara Croft-ness - that is to say, "Eff you, world.  I got this.  You tell me I can't do something?  Watch me."  So today was spent with me trying to sort through some crafting items this morning, organize in my brain what I'd like to try to work on, and figure out where I can get some pieces to make this new brown vest look at least a little like Jyn.  I reached out to another friend of mine who I knew recently put in a drip-line irrigation system for his outdoor garden.  He has spare black tubing, and I asked if I could steal a length of it.  Done - and free for me (thank you, friend!).  I've got plans to go through my "bits and bobbles" box and see what I can pull out to make some greeblies.  And a new text from the friend I moped to last night gave me encouragement to make sure this project doesn't feel like "work" to me - let it be my thing that isn't work in the midst of all of this other crap.  Enjoy it.  (Thank you, friend - I'm going to try.)

So to all of you - my Obi-Wan Kenobis in my time of need - I sincerely thank you for the hope you gave to this mope.  May the Force be with you always, my friends.

P.S. - And I ordered the shirt from Kohl's today.  In my size.  And it was on sale with free shipping to the store.  Boom, baby.  I win this round.

Costumes are Built on Hope

More times than not, that title sitting up there sums up how I feel about my little hobby.  Sometimes I just sit back and hope that I'm doing the right thing, buying the right fabric, creating the right pattern, and putting things together the right way.  It usually all turns out.  Of course, there are other times when your lightsabers fall apart before you even make it into the convention center.  But you know, you can still hope that it's all good.  Sometimes you run out of time and you just can't make things as awesome as you envisioned them.  Or sometimes you run out of knowledge about how to make something, and you just say, "Good enough with what I can do right now."  You do those things, and you hope that it will be okay.

So it's with that same hope that I'm embarking on a journey to create Jyn Erso's costume from Rogue One: A Story Wars Story.  I've been lurking in the RPF thread about Jyn's costume, but I haven't really said much.  Mostly I'm just information gathering and silently sending jealous waves of awe across the internet to people whose work I admire.  I know that my time is now limited because every time I wanted to start costuming, something else in real life would happen.  So now I'm sitting here with a little over a month to put something together and a lot of weekends which are filling up with family and friend stuff.  I'm kind of to the point mentally where if I focus on just one thing beyond what it is I'm doing, it compounds into a hundred things, and I freak out.  

So - since my hobby should be fun and not cause me too much stress - we're going with a goal of "good enough" accuracy.  That being said, there are things I want to try to incorporate, and if I can, I will.  I also decided that - with my time constraints - my best bet would be to create costume pieces from existing items found in the great Thrift Store of Awesome and the eBay Galaxy of Gloriousness.  I'll run through what I have, where I am with it, and what my plan is.  If you can call it a "plan".

Green Jacket
Located at the Thrift Store of Awesome.  The first thing I bought and the first thing I started working one.  Plus, it's probably one of my favorite parts of this entire costume.  Jyn's green Rebellion jacket that she wears as part of her outfit on Jedha just really felt like "me".  You don't even get to see this jacket at the end of the movie, but I absolutely love it.  Not sure why because there's really nothing special about an army green jacket with blood stripes down the sleeves, but I'm weird like that.

I picked up a green military-esque jacket that was a little big for me, and I set to work ripping off the pockets, pinning up the back shoulders to bring it in a bit, and pinning the collar to get a stand-up effect.  Finding thread to match this fabric was more difficult than it should have been, but I have thread now and things that need stitching back up.  Once the stitching is complete on these items, I plan to figure out where to hem the length (if at all), add the decorative top-stitching to the collar and lower band, and maybe add a zipper - for kicks.  Because I'm cruel to myself like that.

Lastly, I really want to put those stripes up the side.  The actual garment appears to have stripes that are screen printed with puff paint.  I know nothing of screen printing, and the only puff paint I have a history with is the kind that I used to make a fan t-shirt for a Backstreet Boys concert (yes, you can make fun of me; I won't cry).  So after some research online and determining that I didn't really want to spend a lot of money on real screen printing stuff, I took my trusty coupons to JoAnn's and picked up three colors of acrylic paint and a big ol' tube of white "Puffy" paint.  I have no idea what this will make.  The correct answer is probably "a mess".  The answer I'm hoping for is "awesome stripes".

Jacket: maybe $3.50
Thread: $1.07
Zippers: $6.90 (because I couldn't decide and bought 2 with the intention of using them in the future)
Paint: $6.83 (with definite re-usability on the acrylic colors, but maybe not so much on the $2 Puffy paint)

Pants
Located at the Thrift Store of Awesome.  I picked up a slightly-too-large-in-the-waist pair of stretch twill black pants (with the widest legs you've ever seen).  This might not have been my best choice because when I sat down with the intention on trying to figure out how to taper the legs, add front seams and back seams to both legs, and figure out how to add pin tuck details to the lower leg, I freaked out.  I just kept pinning things and unpinning them and telling myself I was horrible and no good at this.  Until finally, I ended up sitting in my basement with my legs out in front of me, donning the in-side out confusedly pinned pants, and thinking, "What the hell do I think I'm doing?  And how do I get up off the floor now?"

In the meantime, I have given up on the pants, and I set those aside so I could think.  I've watched some tutorials on tailoring pants now, and I have a rough sketch in mind of how I'd like to proceed.  But I'm waiting for a better brain day so we don't have a repeat episode of last time.

I did pick up some "good enough" buckles when I was at Hobby Lobby this week because all of their sewing notions were half-off.  Woohoo for sales!

Pants: maybe $2.50
Buckles: maybe $1.50

Gloves
I didn't want to spend $50+ on screen accurate gloves that would have required additional work and leather dyeing (things I haven't done before), so I took to the eBay Galaxy of Gloriousness.  Considering I have what seem like grotesquely sized hands when you're shopping for women's gloves, I finally landed on a pair of vintage brown leather gloves, well-worn, made in Italy, size 8.  Some stains on the gloves, but hey - that's what I want, right!  They had a "best offer" deal going on, so I threw in an offer and was accepted by the seller.

These things are awesome.  They fit, which is great.  The leather is thin but definitely seems to hold up, so it won't feel as bulky to me as the screen accurate gloves.  I felt awful at first about cutting up vintage Italian leather gloves, but I justified my actions to myself by saying that they were well-worn already and smelled of old lady perfume.  So I started cutting off the finger tips, and then I took a seam ripper to rip out the vintage silk lining.  It took some time and patient cutting to get the gloves down to the acceptable "height" in the fingers for me, and then I used one gloves as a pattern to match the other.

I'm currently in the process of restitching the seams so that they don't fall apart at the fingers.  I have two fingers left to go, and then I can move on to shortening the gloves and using that extra leather to add the wrist strap.  I'm so happy with these, and they aren't even done.

Gloves: $8.75

Vest
This is a hard one for me to count costs on because I bought material to make a vest.  Jyn's vest is cotton in the back and nylon in the front, so I ended up with some quilting cotton and two different types of nylon.  But then time started slipping away and the calendar started filling up, and I freaked out  So I'm not going to include that cost in my analysis right now

After my freak out session, I took a trip to the eBay Galaxy of Gloriousness which made it all better once again.  I ended up finding a vest that looked about right to me, not too puffy, and a "best offer" deal on it.  It had some stitching that was coming undone, but the seller was honest about it.  Otherwise, the thing looks pretty darned good.  And since I'd like to replace the stitching, that's fine by me.  Plus, I can pass it off as "battle damaged", so who cares about defects?!  The only thing that might cause me issue is that it's listed as "tan".  I didn't really realize that until after I put in my offers, so we'll see what happens.  Apparently, you can dye nylon; I did some research on it at lunch today.  But then again, I might decide "good enough" and just go with it.

I would like to add new pockets, webbing, and maybe some of the contrast stitching.  Maybe even add the little floss tied quilting puffs in the back (which would be something new I've never done).  But again, if this stuff doesn't get done, I'm not going to be sad.

Vest: $7.00

Belt
While it's no where near accurate, I'm actually thinking about using my gun belt from my Lara Croft costume.  It has the same leg wrap, and it's brown.  Good enough!  If I have time or patience, maybe I'll dig into something else later.

Belt: free

Boots
I think I'm going to reuse the Lara Croft boots for this as well.  They're the perfect height and color.  I doubt that I'll have time or resources to make the boot cover patches, though.  But in the meantime, I'm going to consider this one done.

Boots: free

Scarf
This is another one of those pieces that you don't see later on in the movie, but she does wear the item on Jedha.  And honestly, I just love scarves, so I really want to make this piece.  I've been searching for fabric for a couple of weeks now, though, with no luck.  So this is still up in the air.

Shirt
I really would love to create the shirt with the little collar flap that Jyn wears, but again, I'm having a hard time color-matching fabric.  I might end up going with a gray "good enough" 3/4 sleeve shirt, but I haven't located a possible one just yet.

Gun
This one I'm stuck on.  I've done so much research that my head is spinning.  I could build one, but I need a model Luger airsoft gun.  Plus, it's a matter of "con safe", and I want to be as mindful of that as possible.  I could buy a 3D printed one, but I'd more than likely have to paint it and assemble it.  The next money step up is buying one that's printed, assembled, and painted.  I'm weighing my options.  Part of me kind of just wants to mix my fandoms and carry a banana.

As of right now, that's the big stuff I can come up with.  There are other little pieces and parts (comlink, ID tag, etc.), but I'm not really in a mind to think of that right now.  Plus now I'm just laughing because River Song is pointing a banana at the Doctor.  Life is ridiculous like that.

Until next time, stay shiny!

Some Thoughts On "Cosplay"

I struggle a lot with self-doubt: am I good enough, smart enough, fast enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, tough enough, etc.  These are questions we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives, I'm sure.  Some of us decide the answer is, "Who cares?" and we move on.  I claim that my answer is "who cares", and I attempt to move on with building up a tough exterior to hide my shaky little inner core which isn't really sure if it doesn't care who cares or not and is really just trying to seek out some little island of stability to call home.

Wasn't that a lot of personal information to lead us into a costume discussion?  My apologies, good people.  You put up with a lot.

I started out cosplaying (I'm still getting used to this mainstream term) ages ago now when I worked on a limited budget (i.e. poor college student budget).  I thrifted.  I made things as best I could.  I cut corners.  I shopped at the Dollar Tree.  I transformed things into new things.  This was the base of my hobby.

Over the years, I grew up and so did my hobby.  I learned how to sew.  I started buying and making patterns.  I started learning new things.  I started doing research on the internet, joining message boards, reading about props and costumes and realism.  And somewhere in all of that, I realized that I hated some of the comments I was reading about "inaccuracies" in a fan-made costume.  Where they didn't have a seam properly placed or the incorrect fabric was used or they should save up enough money until "you can afford to do it properly".  Words like this kind of hurt me - the person who had started all of this in the poor college student phase.  The person who had a crappy couple of first costumes but was still kind of proud of my humble beginnings.  I felt bad for the people reading these comments, and it broke my heart that there was some sort of exclusionary set of "rules" that were pushing people out of the fandom because their seams were improperly cut and sewn together.

I don't like that.  I don't like pushing people out because something is "wrong" or "inaccurate".  Sometimes, you know, that's the best someone can do at the time.  We can offer constructive criticism to that person - as long as it's constructive.  You want that criticism to be helpful and respectful.  Why would you want to make someone feel bad because they've done the best they could with what they had and the knowledge they currently possessed?  You don't.  It's just plain bad manners in my book.  Offer to help.  Offer to be there as a source.  Offer to teach them something or show them where they can go to learn a new skill that would help them out.

The exclusion mentality and the need to be 100% accurate is the very thing I hated about doing costume research on the internet for all of these reasons.  And it's also - unfortunately - now been ingrained into my very skull to the point where I've basically excluded myself.

My stuff isn't 100% accurate.  I know that.  I know that I do my best to replicate what I can to the degree I can with the information I have on hand at the time.  I don't have a lot of skills.  I lack leather working ability or access to metal working tools or anything of that nature.  I can put in snaps.  I can cut stuff up and sew it back together.  I can make kinda-sorta pattern pieces all by my little own self.  I can stitch things together to make a wearable garment.  But I have never been able to attain 100% accuracy because I don't want to throw the money into it.  I don't build things on the poor college student budget anymore, but I do still try to keep it to a decent budget.  Therefore, my stuff isn't 100% accurate, and it actually kind of makes me feel like a fraud.  It makes me feel like I shouldn't be doing this as my hobby or that I've failed in some way, and I'm not a "true" fan.

If someone else came up to me and told me all of this, I'd take them by the shoulders and look at them and say, "What really makes a true fan?"  Can we really define that?  Can we say, "You spent $33 dollars on the exact same model of gloves, plus the $15+ supplies to cut them up a bit, redye them to the proper color, add new leather pieces, and now you've got the exact piece that they used in the movie!  You're a true fan!"  Is that fair?  Are you going to tell a 6 year old that she's not a true fan because she used her dad's old gloves from the back of the closet?  (Well, of course not, I hope...unless you're evil.)  But if you wouldn't tell a child that, why would you want to be just as equally evil to an adult?  Someone of your own fandom.  It baffles me.  You can tell someone that it's not 100% accurate, but 100% accuracy doesn't equal "true fan" status.

This is the argument I keep trying to tell myself when I look at costuming standards for groups like the 501st and the Rebel Legion.  These people are legendary in their costume skills - the folks that take the time to craft these pieces are just astounding artists.  They really, truly are.  I don't want to downplay that.  I spend a lot of time on the Replica Prop Forum message boards lately, too, and the work displayed there is out of this world.  It's like walking through a movie museum, and I absolutely love it.  When I see all of this, I hear this little voice in the back of my head that says, "Shada, why can't you be like them?  You could make it perfect.  You need to make it perfect or else it isn't right."

That's the part of me I'm trying to squelch.  The part of me that is judgemental of my own work - with the voice of judgement that is born of looking at the voices of other people's judgement and then...judging them for judging others.  That's a lot of judging, and I'm not qualified to make those sorts of decisions in life.  I need to just stop it.  I need to just take a step back and remember why I do this.  I do this to play.  I do this to bring joy to others and myself.  I do this so some little kid can think it's awesome and will want to do it, too.

It used to be that I hated the word "cosplay" when it was first introduced.  I thought it sounded too "playful" - like the people who were crafting the costumes weren't being careful in their construction.  That they were careless and reckless and just didn't give a womp rat's ass about any of it.  But that's wrong.  It was completely incorrect on my part, and in the very beginning I had an extreme misunderstanding of the word.  Now, I'm actually proud to say I cosplay.  I'm proud to say that I've crafted these things on my own, and that I can help you learn how I did it if you want the help.  And if you want to learn something else, I can try to help you figure that out, too.  No matter my level of experience or lack of skill, I can still make something.  It might not be perfect.  It might not be 100% accurate.  But it's still full of love and devotion and research and hours or planning. 

That makes it perfect in my book.  Forget what the others say - that's my advice to me.  That's hard advice to take, but it's advice I need to remember.  Especially at times like this when I doubt myself and my abilities and my "fan" status.  I can't doubt.  I can't force myself to be amazing.  I need to just love it, live it, and have fun with it.  That's the point of all of this craziness, after all.

Reflections of Celebration

I'm sitting here realizing that in two months, I will be boarding a plane to soar through the clouds to take me to Orlando.  Not just for Disney.  Not just for Universal.  But for Star Wars Celebration 2017.  2017, people.  How crazy is that?  Then again, maybe it's not all that crazy for you.  Maybe your life is going swimmingly and the years have gone by in the same manner, day in and day out.  I'm betting the probability of that is low.  Very low.  So if you're like me in some way, you're going to look at the year 2017 and think, "How did we get here?"  If you're even further like me, you're looking at Star Wars Celebration 2017 and thinking, "How did we get here?"

Let's have a boring history lesson.  Perhaps if you imagine it being related to you by C-3PO, it will make things slightly less boring.  Maybe. 

Celebration has a history that intertwined with the release of the Star Wars Prequel trilogy, and Celebration I was held from April 30-May 2, 1999 at the Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum in Denver, Colorado.  The event was held three weeks before the official release of The Phantom Menace, and it was the first Star Wars convention since 1987. 

When Attack of the Clones was set to release, Celebration II was held in Indianapolis, Indiana from May 3-5, 2002.   I missed out on this one by about a week.  I found out about it maybe a week after the convention had been held, but there was no way I (at the time, a poor, young college freshman) could have made the journey by car and paid my way into the con.  But I vowed that I could make it to the next one - because I had faith their would be a next one.  I gathered up an old coffee can, printed out a little label with Obi-Wan staring at me and "Celebration III Fund" written in Star Wars font.  I put every dollar I earned and every penny I found into that little can. 

When Celebration III rolled around from April 21-24, 2005 in Indianapolis, I was there.  My funds had taken me this far, even though I ended up a bit shy due to some unforeseen issues with hotel rooms.  But thanks to the grace of a friend who allowed me to pay back my bill monthly, I was there.  A college senior.  There with a Jedi costume of my own, in the middle of a severe bout of depression, but so stinking excited because I was freaking there.  I met people I had talked to on the StarWars.com message boards from all over the word (the board are history now, sadly enough, but I still miss them).  I waited for hours just to get into the dumb Celebration store.  I saw props and costumes.  I tried to get into lines that were always "capped" due to capacity.  It was one heck of an experience, though - even when dealing with a tough time in my own personal life.  I wouldn't trade it.

Since my days at Celebration III, I have made every effort, saved my pennies, and attended each Celebration held in the US: IV, V, VI, and Anaheim 2015 (why did we stop numbering them?).  My fellow fans around the world have been able to take part of international Celebrations held in England, Japan, Germany, and back to England again.

So that's how we got here.  That's how a poor college freshman who missed out made sure she didn't miss out later on.  That's how that 19 year old kid grew into a 34 year old adult(?) who still does a lot of child-like things despite having grown-up responsibilities.  And that's how we've made it to 2017 and will push on to Celebration 2017.  We learn.  We grow.  We fall down.  We pick ourselves back up.  We learn some more.  And we grow some more.  It's a process, one that I've been following like everyone else has in life.

And it's a cause for Celebration in my book.

In Memory of a Princess

I realize that I've been quiet lately in the light of the events that covered the Star Wars fan blogs, news channels, and internet sites at the tail end of 2016.  I'm not even sure I've adequately discussed my thoughts out-loud regarding these events because my voice stops or my brain stops or my heart just says, "Not yet."  Even as I'm going back and rereading this (because I've been trying to draft this post for over a month now), I don't think I've really said exactly what I felt or thought.  I know, however, that eventually I'll have to say something.  I'll want to say something.  So I wanted to see if I could draft out my idea so that it might eventually become full-fledged words on the screen.  This is that draft, along with some edits, and probably a few more additions before I actually hit "publish".

We lost Carrie Fisher unexpectedly on Tuesday, December 27, 2016.  This came shortly after the news that she had experienced a "cardiac incident" while in-flight from London to Los Angeles the previous Friday.  We didn't expect this.  We heard "stable", and we all had hope.  But that hope was obliterated when we saw the headlines on Tuesday.  Almost as though life wanted to add insult to injury, the very next day we saw the headline that we had lost Carrie's mother, Debbie Reynolds.  One day after her daughter.

My introduction to Carrie came through Star Wars, and over the years, I've been lucky enough to listen to her speak at a few fan conventions including Star Wars Celebrations.  Let's face it - so many of us met this leading lady of sci-fi fantasy the same way.  We fell in love with her through her portrayal of Princess Leia.  Her spunk, her wit, and her charm filled the screen.  Leia was determined, strong-willed, and unwavering.  She was a true hero in the Star Wars saga.

Carrie Fisher herself was a true hero to a lot of causes.  Despite her difficulties with drugs and alcohol throughout her past, she was honest about her addictions, her bipolar disorder, and her depression.  She shared these things with people as a form of education to let people know they were not alone in their struggles.  She was sharp-witted, had a wicked sense of humor, and was full of life on the stage. And through it all, her honesty and genuine heart shown through. 

I am nothing like Carrie Fisher.  I am not a risk-taker.  I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol.  I have never had bipolar disorder.  My sense of humor is less risqué.  I am not as brutally honest.  She is so unlike who I am at times that it's probably hard for some people to understand why I am so upset by her passing.

However, I think the reason I am so upset is because - despite the fact that I am none of these things - I looked up to her and who she was.  A part of me wanted to be like that.  I looked up to how honest and forthright she was about everything in life.  Carrie Fisher was who she was, and she never apologized for it.  That was just how it was going to be.  You couldn't change it, and you didn't want to.  That must be amazingly freeing - to realize that you are who you are and people shouldn't be allowed to judge us because of who we are.  I wish we could all feel that freedom.

Carrie spoke out for those suffering with bipolar disorder, depression, and all mental illnesses in order to educate others.  She spoke out to help those who were suffering realize they were not alone in their struggles and they were not abnormal because of them.  This specifically resonated with me - having dealt personally with two particularly difficult psychological diagnoses over the years.  Hearing her speak about it in person - to hear her reach out to a crowd, to those who might be hurting or to those who might not understand - brought me to tears one time at a convention in Indianapolis.  (She explained to a child in the audience what "bipolar" meant after he had asked her a question during the Q&A.)  I will never forget that feeling.  It was a complete sense of validation in your hurt coupled with the promise of strength to overcome all of it.  She helped instill that through words alone.  That's amazing.

It's been a tough time for a lot of people.  The world has seemed dark and ugly, and I think a lot of us were just pulling to make it through 2016.  Then more stuff happened, and some people just kept thinking that the turning of a number on the calendar of life would make it better.  But a number is a number - it doesn't change anything except what we make it change.  We are the people who make a difference - even in the darkness, we can still be a beacon of hope.

Even if it's a tiny hope.

Even if it's someone's only hope.

Thank you, Carrie Fisher, for all that you were and all that you always will be - to so many.  May the Force be with you always.