I look at this blog, and I feel intimidated. Kind of funny, really - it's a blog about Disney and Star Wars, and I look at it and go, "I don't want to write in that. It'll take too long. I'll sound stupid. There's too much to say, and I don't have the time to care about it."
It's all a lot of excuses because I feel like I need to talk about something. But the truth is, I don't need to talk about anything. I ran my first half marathon, and I feel like I need to write up this big, long post about everything that happened. But I don't need to do anything. I don't owe the world anything. I only owe it to myself to remember that it was amazing. I smiled the entire time I ran. I ran 13.1 miles with a freakin' chest cold, and I was never more grateful for hot weather and 90% humidity in my life. I could breathe because of that weather, and I believe it contributed to me getting through. My homemade Rapunzel-esque costume worked perfectly. I got pictures with princesses before the race started. They had fireworks going when I was running into Magic Kingdom. They played "Back in the Saddle Again" when I crossed into Frontierland,
and I thought of my Mom and Dad and all of the years we've spent
together in Florida building memories. That made me smile even more.
And I got through. I'm officially a Disney Half Marathon princess now. Pascal and I made our way through all of those miles to cross the finish line with a smile on our faces, and it was worth every moment of training that I put into it last year. I found my nerd husband (who was having a good health morning that morning), and he met me with a single, bright red rose. He was so proud of me. He was beaming. He took my picture, and he showed me video of me in the home stretch. He was cheering loudly on the video. I never got the chance to see him even though I looked, but he was here, and he was so, so proud. It made me feel amazing.
Would I do it again? Yes, I would. But I think I'm going to wait for Star Wars because I'm assuming that at some point in the future, that half marathon course will run through Star Wars Land...and I'm not missing out on that.
It's back to real life now - at least for a little bit. It sort of stunned me when I looked at the calendar just a bit ago and realized we're only a little more than a month away from our trip for Star Wars Celebration in Chicago. That's insane! With everything going on in life (and believe me, behind the scenes, there's a LOT of crap going on), I kind of forgot all about it. Which means I also forgot all about all of my grand plans for costuming and starting early and whatnot.
Right now, I'm sitting here thinking I might not even bring a costume. That feels odd considering I've at least had one costume at every convention I've attended. So I'm still thinking it through and deciding how I feel as time passes by. Honestly, my attentions are elsewhere in life right now, and costuming or sewing or creation of anything just feels like work. I have enough on my plate, and the last thing I want to do it accumulate more work and/or heartache for myself. Add on to that the fact that I actually gained weight while training for this half marathon (oops), and I don't want to make myself feel bad about the fact that some things just might not fit. I accept that because, hey, I was able to run a half marathon and finish strongly. I don't need to get ahead of myself and undermine my accomplishment. I'll get back to where I was, but I don't want to subject myself to the pain of feeling bad because such-and-such pants don't fit, and omgtheworldisgoingtoendbecausei'mfat.
So I'm over here kind of in limbo - looking at costume upgrade and changes I could make to existing costumes, not wanting to spend the money because of personal challenges we're facing at the moment, wondering if taking this trip is a good idea, but knowing that ultimately it is a good idea, curious about how long it'll take me to get back into a shape I'm 100% comfortable with, debating whether or not I should eat another girl scout cookie because they're too darned good, hoping our friends aren't annoyed that we haven't reached out to make plans with them, and wishing I could just sit and rest and not have this insane run-on sentence of worries flow through my head 24/7.
The paragraph about is why I don't write here (or anywhere) hardly at all. I feel obligated or concerned, and I don't write with reckless abandon like I used to. But this entire post was recklessly written with abandon (and then a little editing at the end), so maybe this is what I need to do. Maybe it's just like training for that half marathon. Take your time. Make yourself strong. Remember it's okay to fail. Remember it's okay to amend your plans. Remember that life doesn't always work the way you want it to, but it does work, and you can work within it. That's what I want to strive to do. I want to strive to keep moving, keep working, and keep pushing forward.
At a particularly rough patch this winter, I wrote a note on a purple post-it and attached it to my monitor at work. Dated January 16, 2019, it reads: "I have the strength to keep going - mentally and physically. I've proven it time and time again."
As Han would say, "It's true. All of it."
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, March 4, 2019
Friday, November 9, 2018
The Training of a Princess
It's time to take over this space again with some Disney fun. Well, hopefully it's fun - can you call training for a half marathon fun? If not, then I think we should, and I'm determined to do my best to make it fun!
I've talked earlier in the year about this (check out the blog entry here), but we'll sum up the situation. When my Nerd Husband fell last January and broke his hip, I realized that life throws you curve balls no matter how old you are. You aren't excused from illness or hardship just because you're young. There is no time like the present to do the things you want to do because tomorrow you might not be able to do them. So I got a crazy idea - I was going to run my first half marathon.
I did my research. I asked for advice in my online running groups. I debated. I trained for 5ks and a 10k throughout all of 2018. And finally, I signed up for the Princess Half Marathon to be held in Walt Disney World on February 24, 2019.
My training was to officially start on October 23rd, but guess who came down with a chest cold on October 22nd? Yep. There's one of those little curve balls I talked about. So I decided to postpone the start of my training until November 6th. I'm two weeks behind, but I readjusted the training schedule to something I think works. I also knew it would be better than pushing it while I wasn't well. Starting anything while you don't feel good is a big de-motivator, in my opinion.
Speaking of motivation, I knew starting out the gate that I'd need to find some fun ways to spice up these training runs (because when I thought about it, running 10+ miles just really didn't sound like "fun"). I went to the Dollar Tree because that's my go-to place when I'm looking for cheap and fun ways to make a smile happen. I picked up a crazy amount of Disney Princess stickers, and a set of Disney Princess puzzles (4 mini puzzles in one package). I also picked up a few dry erase boards, some self-stick letters, and a couple packages of adhesive glitter paper.
Next, I knew I'd need some calendars for me to keep track of things on, so I went to the Disney Family website and found a printable calendar for November. It looks like they produce a new calendar page each month, so I'll have to keep an eye open.
The first thing I wanted was an inspiration board - a place where I could cheer myself on, write notes, and leave post-its. I used the largest dry erase board I had as well as some of the self-stick letters to create my "Run, Princess Shada" inspiration board. ("Shada" is a Star Wars nickname that was given to me years ago by some very good friends of mine, and it's stuck with me for almost 20 years now.) I still need to attach some string/yarn on the back so I can hang the board in a visible space, but I'm quite happy with it.
The next thing I knew I wanted was a little corner of my cubicle at work to be dedicated to my training. Let's face it - if you work full time, you spend most of your awake time at work instead of at home. That's where I knew I'd need to see motivation more than anywhere else. I took my printed November calendar and hung it in my cubicle along with a Disney Princess dry erase board (that I modified to a bit with stickers to reflect my favorite princess, Rapunzel) to help me count down the days until race time. I also printed and hung up a map of last year's race, along with a couple sheets of glitter Princess stickers that I could use to mark my completed training days on the printer calendar.
Let's talk a bit about this calendar because this is an unexpected find that I think will really help motivate me in the months to come. The fun thing about these calendar pages is that they seem to add little fun days along the way. Nachos Day was November 6th, and the 45th anniversary of Robin Hood was on November 8th for example. Both of those days were training days, and I honestly didn't think of incorporating the "themes" into my day until I mentioned it to my Nerd Husband last night that I thought it might be cool to watch Robin Hood on its anniversary. NH said, "We'll celebrate both themes tonight - nachos for dinner and watch Robin Hood." We did just that, and it was amazing. So I'm going to do my best from here on out to incorporate the fun days into my training days.
The last motivator that I came up with revolves around that group of Disney Princess puzzles I bought. I love puzzles, and I don't feel like I do them all that often because they always end up in the way while I'm working on them. But the few that I've complete and loved actually act as artwork above our fireplace on a rotating basis. Right now, there's a Thomas Kincade Cinderella's Castle of there, and it's gorgeous. Anyway, I digress... The Disney Princess puzzles motivator is going to work a little something like this.
With each training session I complete, I "earn" one piece of the puzzle. I won't draw my pieces from the pile until the end of each week, so I can draw up to three pieces at a time. The pieces might be for any of the four puzzles, so that will be the tricky part. I'll have to collect my earned pieces, sort them out based on which puzzle I think they go with, and the final goal is to assemble them as quickly as possible. It's a bit of luck mixed with a bit of skill and a lot of making-this-up-as-I-go-along. I think it'll be a good time.
I'll be posting quite a bit about this on social media when I can because I think it has the potential for a couple of good things:
1) Make people happy. It sounds ridiculous, but honestly, I think my goal in life is to try and bring a smile or a laugh. It's the reason I do a lot of what I do or share what I decide to share. So if me making a silly face and talking about stickers makes your day, then follow along on my journey.
2) Make people believe they can do what they set their minds to doing. I realize we all have limitations and things that hold us back, but I do truly believe that we have a lot of power in our minds and bodies, even if they're "broken". I've personally dealt with a history of mental illness for a vast majority of my life. I know how broken your mind can feel. While I've not dealt with physical disability and I know I can't imagine the full effect of the situation. I know I've witnessed those who have dealt with it, and I've seen how broken their hearts can be when they can't achieve what they once could. That's heartbreaking. But I believe there are ways that we can work within a system and make things the best that we can make them. We might not achieve what we could if we weren't "broken", but I believe that having to work within a system designed to hold you back makes your stronger, wiser, and more determined. And it makes victory so much sweeter. I want people to know that and remember it.
While I'll be posting little blurbs on social media, I'll be keeping the bulk of my wordiness out of the limelight and leaving it here in my blog. I know I get wordy when I write, and that's no for everyone. But if it is for you, then it's here, and I hope it helps you in some small way, shape or form.
I've got this. I can do this. I know I can, and I believe I can. I'm nervous that I can't. There might be people who say I can't. But the small voice inside of me that rises up in dark times whispers to me, "Run."
I've talked earlier in the year about this (check out the blog entry here), but we'll sum up the situation. When my Nerd Husband fell last January and broke his hip, I realized that life throws you curve balls no matter how old you are. You aren't excused from illness or hardship just because you're young. There is no time like the present to do the things you want to do because tomorrow you might not be able to do them. So I got a crazy idea - I was going to run my first half marathon.
I did my research. I asked for advice in my online running groups. I debated. I trained for 5ks and a 10k throughout all of 2018. And finally, I signed up for the Princess Half Marathon to be held in Walt Disney World on February 24, 2019.
My training was to officially start on October 23rd, but guess who came down with a chest cold on October 22nd? Yep. There's one of those little curve balls I talked about. So I decided to postpone the start of my training until November 6th. I'm two weeks behind, but I readjusted the training schedule to something I think works. I also knew it would be better than pushing it while I wasn't well. Starting anything while you don't feel good is a big de-motivator, in my opinion.
Speaking of motivation, I knew starting out the gate that I'd need to find some fun ways to spice up these training runs (because when I thought about it, running 10+ miles just really didn't sound like "fun"). I went to the Dollar Tree because that's my go-to place when I'm looking for cheap and fun ways to make a smile happen. I picked up a crazy amount of Disney Princess stickers, and a set of Disney Princess puzzles (4 mini puzzles in one package). I also picked up a few dry erase boards, some self-stick letters, and a couple packages of adhesive glitter paper.
Next, I knew I'd need some calendars for me to keep track of things on, so I went to the Disney Family website and found a printable calendar for November. It looks like they produce a new calendar page each month, so I'll have to keep an eye open.
The first thing I wanted was an inspiration board - a place where I could cheer myself on, write notes, and leave post-its. I used the largest dry erase board I had as well as some of the self-stick letters to create my "Run, Princess Shada" inspiration board. ("Shada" is a Star Wars nickname that was given to me years ago by some very good friends of mine, and it's stuck with me for almost 20 years now.) I still need to attach some string/yarn on the back so I can hang the board in a visible space, but I'm quite happy with it.
The next thing I knew I wanted was a little corner of my cubicle at work to be dedicated to my training. Let's face it - if you work full time, you spend most of your awake time at work instead of at home. That's where I knew I'd need to see motivation more than anywhere else. I took my printed November calendar and hung it in my cubicle along with a Disney Princess dry erase board (that I modified to a bit with stickers to reflect my favorite princess, Rapunzel) to help me count down the days until race time. I also printed and hung up a map of last year's race, along with a couple sheets of glitter Princess stickers that I could use to mark my completed training days on the printer calendar.
Let's talk a bit about this calendar because this is an unexpected find that I think will really help motivate me in the months to come. The fun thing about these calendar pages is that they seem to add little fun days along the way. Nachos Day was November 6th, and the 45th anniversary of Robin Hood was on November 8th for example. Both of those days were training days, and I honestly didn't think of incorporating the "themes" into my day until I mentioned it to my Nerd Husband last night that I thought it might be cool to watch Robin Hood on its anniversary. NH said, "We'll celebrate both themes tonight - nachos for dinner and watch Robin Hood." We did just that, and it was amazing. So I'm going to do my best from here on out to incorporate the fun days into my training days.
The last motivator that I came up with revolves around that group of Disney Princess puzzles I bought. I love puzzles, and I don't feel like I do them all that often because they always end up in the way while I'm working on them. But the few that I've complete and loved actually act as artwork above our fireplace on a rotating basis. Right now, there's a Thomas Kincade Cinderella's Castle of there, and it's gorgeous. Anyway, I digress... The Disney Princess puzzles motivator is going to work a little something like this.
With each training session I complete, I "earn" one piece of the puzzle. I won't draw my pieces from the pile until the end of each week, so I can draw up to three pieces at a time. The pieces might be for any of the four puzzles, so that will be the tricky part. I'll have to collect my earned pieces, sort them out based on which puzzle I think they go with, and the final goal is to assemble them as quickly as possible. It's a bit of luck mixed with a bit of skill and a lot of making-this-up-as-I-go-along. I think it'll be a good time.
I'll be posting quite a bit about this on social media when I can because I think it has the potential for a couple of good things:
1) Make people happy. It sounds ridiculous, but honestly, I think my goal in life is to try and bring a smile or a laugh. It's the reason I do a lot of what I do or share what I decide to share. So if me making a silly face and talking about stickers makes your day, then follow along on my journey.
2) Make people believe they can do what they set their minds to doing. I realize we all have limitations and things that hold us back, but I do truly believe that we have a lot of power in our minds and bodies, even if they're "broken". I've personally dealt with a history of mental illness for a vast majority of my life. I know how broken your mind can feel. While I've not dealt with physical disability and I know I can't imagine the full effect of the situation. I know I've witnessed those who have dealt with it, and I've seen how broken their hearts can be when they can't achieve what they once could. That's heartbreaking. But I believe there are ways that we can work within a system and make things the best that we can make them. We might not achieve what we could if we weren't "broken", but I believe that having to work within a system designed to hold you back makes your stronger, wiser, and more determined. And it makes victory so much sweeter. I want people to know that and remember it.
While I'll be posting little blurbs on social media, I'll be keeping the bulk of my wordiness out of the limelight and leaving it here in my blog. I know I get wordy when I write, and that's no for everyone. But if it is for you, then it's here, and I hope it helps you in some small way, shape or form.
I've got this. I can do this. I know I can, and I believe I can. I'm nervous that I can't. There might be people who say I can't. But the small voice inside of me that rises up in dark times whispers to me, "Run."
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Struggles, Spoilers, and Songs
There's a lot going on these days. At least that's what it feels like. I'm not 100% sure if that's accurate or if that's just feelings, but it's what I'm going with at the moment. There are people I love who are going through some really rough stuff right now. I want to be there for them, but I'm struggling with some personal things, as well. It makes me feel a bit like a selfish attention hog lately - "please, look at me and realize I'm struggling, too - help". And when that doesn't work quite like the annoying 5 year old in me wants it to, I turn to my projects and bury myself in the work that takes over my mind and makes me happy (to a point).
That's a rather depressing introduction to a post that's meant to say...I finally finished my River Song costume. (Is a blog that promises to focus on Disney and Star Wars allowed to be depressing and get off-topic by discussing Doctor Who? You know what - I don't care. Sure, it can. Because it's my blog. So there. ;p)
There are elements of this costume I'm not 100% happy with, and I think that's all right for now. All of my cosplay (I still have a hard time with that word because I used "costume" and "costumer" for years because that was when I started out this entire journey) is done simply and on a certain budget. I like to try to make things from other things instead of spend my time tracking down screen accurate fabric for $40 a yard that requires me to then buy 3 packages of RIT dye to make it the right color. I have nothing against that sort of thing, and I have a great deal of respect for the folks who go through it. It takes a heck of a lot of work, and the results are impressive. I get caught up in this mindset now and then - "how accurate do I need to make this?" or "should I buy this so it's 'right'?" It's a very easy place to fall into, and it's not a bad thing if that's who you want to be.
However, I've come to believe that my real place in his cosplay world and my calling here is to prove to other people that they can do it. You don't have to be a genius. You don't have to break your bank. You don't even have to have knowledge on how to sew. And honestly, if you're out to just have fun - you don't need to be accurate. You just have to be willing to try, to learn, and to work with what you have when you have it. I want to encourage those people who are starting out - the people who feel like crap because someone told them something was "wrong" with their costume. I've had younger folks come up to me at a convention, fangirling or fanboying out over something I've made and then degrading their own work as they're wearing it in front of me, feeling horrible that they can't be as good as someone else. That's when I try to point out to them what I actually have here - a PVC pipe from Home Depot, some silver spray paint, a rubber inner tube from a bicycle tire, a thumbtack, a cell phone clip, some washers, a plastic cable clip, and some glue. It's not much different from what they have at all. And it's certainly not impossible to do with just some time, practice, and a new way of looking at things.
Wow, does this blog entry have a point? Because if it does, I seem to be taking an awfully long time just to say I finally finished my River Song costume. ;) The costume is 100% complete and ready to go for the comic expo I'm attending this weekend. I'm uncertain if she'll go out for one day or two because I anticipate this will be a fun one to walk around in. I guess we'll just wait and see.
And since I'd like to try and follow-through what what I said above (about helping people realize they can do this sort of thing, too), I'd like to follow-up this post with another post talking all about the costume and how I made it work. Look for that to come soon.
In the meantime, just remember that you can do it - whatever "it" is. I know it sounds corny and awful, but I believe that if something lies within our realm of power to change and learn, then we can accomplish it. I think it's easy to forget that because the world like to buck up against us and tell us we can't move. Sometimes, it's true - we can't. Sometimes we're just stuck. But even in those times, your ability to fight forward and keep moving is a blessing, even when your heart, mind, and body are tired. Keep going. Keep moving. Because it's getting closer.
Whatever "it" is.
That's a rather depressing introduction to a post that's meant to say...I finally finished my River Song costume. (Is a blog that promises to focus on Disney and Star Wars allowed to be depressing and get off-topic by discussing Doctor Who? You know what - I don't care. Sure, it can. Because it's my blog. So there. ;p)
There are elements of this costume I'm not 100% happy with, and I think that's all right for now. All of my cosplay (I still have a hard time with that word because I used "costume" and "costumer" for years because that was when I started out this entire journey) is done simply and on a certain budget. I like to try to make things from other things instead of spend my time tracking down screen accurate fabric for $40 a yard that requires me to then buy 3 packages of RIT dye to make it the right color. I have nothing against that sort of thing, and I have a great deal of respect for the folks who go through it. It takes a heck of a lot of work, and the results are impressive. I get caught up in this mindset now and then - "how accurate do I need to make this?" or "should I buy this so it's 'right'?" It's a very easy place to fall into, and it's not a bad thing if that's who you want to be.
However, I've come to believe that my real place in his cosplay world and my calling here is to prove to other people that they can do it. You don't have to be a genius. You don't have to break your bank. You don't even have to have knowledge on how to sew. And honestly, if you're out to just have fun - you don't need to be accurate. You just have to be willing to try, to learn, and to work with what you have when you have it. I want to encourage those people who are starting out - the people who feel like crap because someone told them something was "wrong" with their costume. I've had younger folks come up to me at a convention, fangirling or fanboying out over something I've made and then degrading their own work as they're wearing it in front of me, feeling horrible that they can't be as good as someone else. That's when I try to point out to them what I actually have here - a PVC pipe from Home Depot, some silver spray paint, a rubber inner tube from a bicycle tire, a thumbtack, a cell phone clip, some washers, a plastic cable clip, and some glue. It's not much different from what they have at all. And it's certainly not impossible to do with just some time, practice, and a new way of looking at things.
Wow, does this blog entry have a point? Because if it does, I seem to be taking an awfully long time just to say I finally finished my River Song costume. ;) The costume is 100% complete and ready to go for the comic expo I'm attending this weekend. I'm uncertain if she'll go out for one day or two because I anticipate this will be a fun one to walk around in. I guess we'll just wait and see.
And since I'd like to try and follow-through what what I said above (about helping people realize they can do this sort of thing, too), I'd like to follow-up this post with another post talking all about the costume and how I made it work. Look for that to come soon.
In the meantime, just remember that you can do it - whatever "it" is. I know it sounds corny and awful, but I believe that if something lies within our realm of power to change and learn, then we can accomplish it. I think it's easy to forget that because the world like to buck up against us and tell us we can't move. Sometimes, it's true - we can't. Sometimes we're just stuck. But even in those times, your ability to fight forward and keep moving is a blessing, even when your heart, mind, and body are tired. Keep going. Keep moving. Because it's getting closer.
Whatever "it" is.
Friday, May 4, 2018
May the Fourth be with You!
Happy Star Wars Day! That's what they're saying today, right? It's on the news - newscasters breaking out the lightsabers and having a battle. Companies are having sales. The internet is talking about a new movie, where will Celebration be, the new Star Wars half marathon races in Walt Disney World next year...everything. If you can name it and it's name is Star Wars, it's being talked about today. May the Fourth.
This is an interesting day, I have to admit. Because I remember a day when I had to hide my Star Wars novel spine inside my binder so no one could see a title. I remember that "nerd shirts" were not a thing to be worn in public. Things like that opened you up to ridicule and regret. I had one nerdy friend growing up as a child (and even that wasn't close enough to how nerdy I really felt). I met another nerdy friend toward the end of my high school years, but even then, we were both so busy hiding that aspect of who we were that we only really realized the true depth of our own nerdiness once it was time to go off to college.
Ah. College. The most formative years of my life.
The worst four years of my very existence on this planet earth. And I do not exaggerate.
The loss of friends. The loss of family. The lack of guidance within a sports-driven university. Sickness. Loneliness. Despair. Severe depression. Suicidal ideation.
And in the middle of it all: www.starwars.com/forums
The Star Wars message boards. Back in the day, see, the interwebs had these things called "message boards". Back then, we thought it was better to keep our real selves anonymous online, so we had fake screen names and avatars of anything other than ourselves. And while the names and the avatars were fake, the personalities and the people were real (for the most part - but that's another post lol). In those four years of hell, I found my solace and refuge in a little corner of the internet with people going through similar issues, trials, and thoughts. I found people who liked the same things I did and did some of the same things I liked to do. And here they all were - ripe for the friend-picking!
And picked them I did. And then I was crazy and even met some of them in person (omgoodness this was scandalacious back in the day, people. Lemme tell ya...)
And lemme also tell ya that it's one of the best things this little depressed, introverted, scared little soul ever did in her entire life. Those four years of hell made me into who I am today - a tenacious little fighter who will not go softly into that good night. I refused. And I still refuse. Because I have hope. Hope doesn't have to me this idealistic image of what things will be - and unrealistic view of the world. I hate false optimism. Hate it. Try to tell someone who is in hospice and dying of cancer to "have hope and think positive and you'll get better". The world doesn't work that way, usually, and it's cruel to offer that kind of false hope.
But I do believe that you can have hope in any sort of situation you're in. Personally - in the darkest of situations - my faith offers me hope beyond this world when there are no other options. In most of the everyday cases, my heart gives me hope that I (and others) can overcome our situations or work within them to the best of our abilities. I have hope that - while we might not be able to change things entirely - we can make them as good as we can in the given moment. To some people, that's a frustrating point of view, I'm sure. "If I can't fix it, what good is it, really?"
It's because - honestly - by doing one action filled with hope, you have no idea what you're actually affecting in the long-run. Every tiny little action you take might not have a reaction now, but no one really knows what it will do years from now. Decades. Centuries. To you, it's one moment. To someone else, it will shape their lifetime.
Do I have hope that me making a copy for someone at work will change their life? No. C'mon. Get real. But do I have hope that me making a copy for someone at work and then dropping it off with a smile and a kind word might make their day a little better? Yeah, I do. Because an action that small can have that kind of power. And when you empower others, there's no stopping them once they build up that strength. That's amazing. That's just astounding to me to think that we can affect that sort of change in someone through such a tiny little action.
But it's what life is about, I think. Having hope. Creating hope. Living hope.
So happy Star Wars day. May the Force be with you all.
This is an interesting day, I have to admit. Because I remember a day when I had to hide my Star Wars novel spine inside my binder so no one could see a title. I remember that "nerd shirts" were not a thing to be worn in public. Things like that opened you up to ridicule and regret. I had one nerdy friend growing up as a child (and even that wasn't close enough to how nerdy I really felt). I met another nerdy friend toward the end of my high school years, but even then, we were both so busy hiding that aspect of who we were that we only really realized the true depth of our own nerdiness once it was time to go off to college.
Ah. College. The most formative years of my life.
The worst four years of my very existence on this planet earth. And I do not exaggerate.
The loss of friends. The loss of family. The lack of guidance within a sports-driven university. Sickness. Loneliness. Despair. Severe depression. Suicidal ideation.
And in the middle of it all: www.starwars.com/forums
The Star Wars message boards. Back in the day, see, the interwebs had these things called "message boards". Back then, we thought it was better to keep our real selves anonymous online, so we had fake screen names and avatars of anything other than ourselves. And while the names and the avatars were fake, the personalities and the people were real (for the most part - but that's another post lol). In those four years of hell, I found my solace and refuge in a little corner of the internet with people going through similar issues, trials, and thoughts. I found people who liked the same things I did and did some of the same things I liked to do. And here they all were - ripe for the friend-picking!
And picked them I did. And then I was crazy and even met some of them in person (omgoodness this was scandalacious back in the day, people. Lemme tell ya...)
And lemme also tell ya that it's one of the best things this little depressed, introverted, scared little soul ever did in her entire life. Those four years of hell made me into who I am today - a tenacious little fighter who will not go softly into that good night. I refused. And I still refuse. Because I have hope. Hope doesn't have to me this idealistic image of what things will be - and unrealistic view of the world. I hate false optimism. Hate it. Try to tell someone who is in hospice and dying of cancer to "have hope and think positive and you'll get better". The world doesn't work that way, usually, and it's cruel to offer that kind of false hope.
But I do believe that you can have hope in any sort of situation you're in. Personally - in the darkest of situations - my faith offers me hope beyond this world when there are no other options. In most of the everyday cases, my heart gives me hope that I (and others) can overcome our situations or work within them to the best of our abilities. I have hope that - while we might not be able to change things entirely - we can make them as good as we can in the given moment. To some people, that's a frustrating point of view, I'm sure. "If I can't fix it, what good is it, really?"
It's because - honestly - by doing one action filled with hope, you have no idea what you're actually affecting in the long-run. Every tiny little action you take might not have a reaction now, but no one really knows what it will do years from now. Decades. Centuries. To you, it's one moment. To someone else, it will shape their lifetime.
Do I have hope that me making a copy for someone at work will change their life? No. C'mon. Get real. But do I have hope that me making a copy for someone at work and then dropping it off with a smile and a kind word might make their day a little better? Yeah, I do. Because an action that small can have that kind of power. And when you empower others, there's no stopping them once they build up that strength. That's amazing. That's just astounding to me to think that we can affect that sort of change in someone through such a tiny little action.
But it's what life is about, I think. Having hope. Creating hope. Living hope.
So happy Star Wars day. May the Force be with you all.
Friday, July 7, 2017
Dreams and Hope and Fandom
This blog has been sitting quietly for a while now. I pull it up now and then and stare at it - wondering what will fall on the page next. But nothing seems appropriate right now. I don't feel like going back and rehashing Celebration. I haven't looked through the convention photos much at all. I haven't worked on any new sewing projects. I don't have anything super-lined up and ready to go. The basement is still a mess from April, and I work on cleaning it up piece by piece, week by week.
The truth is we've had some challenging times going on personally, and that's really put me in a down place. I struggle to maintain a positive attitude, but my personal journal is full of a lot of swearing and sadness and blah right now. I don't want to bring that over here into this space because this place is different. I want to keep this as it is - hopeful. So today, when I was feeling a bit hopeful, I decided I'd swing by and give it a shot...and maybe make it Disney or Star Wars related.
Hope is a big thing in both of these fandoms. For example, in Disney, dreams are basically just far-fetched hopes, right? When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. A dream is a wish your heart makes. I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream. You could seriously exchange dream for hope in each of these sentences, and really your meaning won't change much.
However, if you flip on over to Star Wars, dreams take on a little darker tone in some places. They become things we hope for or don't hope for - they aren't always good things. At nine years old, Anakin has a dream that he was a Jedi. In Attack of the Clones, Anakin keeps dreaming about Padmé. In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin dreams Padmé will die in childbirth. Luke looks around Dagobah and comments that it feels familiar like something out of a dream. These dreams are still steeped in hope, even if they contain darker elements. Hope of a future. Hope of love. Hope of saving the one you love. Hope of being in the right place at the right time.
It all comes back to one thing - dreams and hope. Disney and Star Wars can be reduced down to that if you boil it long enough. And so can life, really. Those are the things that I believe sustain us through the times when we're down or when it seems like we just can't catch a break. I believe that as long as we get up in them morning and go do our day-to-day thing and then lay back down to sleep at the end of the day, then we have hope. If there was no hope of a better tomorrow, then we wouldn't see the point. Some days we don't see the points, that's true. But you know what? We keep going. And that's magnificent, isn't it? That we have that power, that drive. That we can dream of a better day even when the current moment shows us everything to the contrary?
It's astounding what we're capable of if we'd just give ourselves the chance to shine.
The truth is we've had some challenging times going on personally, and that's really put me in a down place. I struggle to maintain a positive attitude, but my personal journal is full of a lot of swearing and sadness and blah right now. I don't want to bring that over here into this space because this place is different. I want to keep this as it is - hopeful. So today, when I was feeling a bit hopeful, I decided I'd swing by and give it a shot...and maybe make it Disney or Star Wars related.
Hope is a big thing in both of these fandoms. For example, in Disney, dreams are basically just far-fetched hopes, right? When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. A dream is a wish your heart makes. I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream. You could seriously exchange dream for hope in each of these sentences, and really your meaning won't change much.
However, if you flip on over to Star Wars, dreams take on a little darker tone in some places. They become things we hope for or don't hope for - they aren't always good things. At nine years old, Anakin has a dream that he was a Jedi. In Attack of the Clones, Anakin keeps dreaming about Padmé. In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin dreams Padmé will die in childbirth. Luke looks around Dagobah and comments that it feels familiar like something out of a dream. These dreams are still steeped in hope, even if they contain darker elements. Hope of a future. Hope of love. Hope of saving the one you love. Hope of being in the right place at the right time.
It all comes back to one thing - dreams and hope. Disney and Star Wars can be reduced down to that if you boil it long enough. And so can life, really. Those are the things that I believe sustain us through the times when we're down or when it seems like we just can't catch a break. I believe that as long as we get up in them morning and go do our day-to-day thing and then lay back down to sleep at the end of the day, then we have hope. If there was no hope of a better tomorrow, then we wouldn't see the point. Some days we don't see the points, that's true. But you know what? We keep going. And that's magnificent, isn't it? That we have that power, that drive. That we can dream of a better day even when the current moment shows us everything to the contrary?
It's astounding what we're capable of if we'd just give ourselves the chance to shine.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I'm a Big Ol' Mope.
Mope. That was the word of the day yesterday. Mope mope mope. Which is kind of a funny word when you think of it.
Last night was another discouraging night in the land of costumes. It was a bad brain day, and those days tend to be plaguing me more often than not lately. I let my pessimistic person out to play a bit, and a few people got the brunt of it at work. I'm thankful for their patience, but it can't be easy when someone responds to your "things will get better" with "no, they won't - they never do." Yep. Cringe-worthy pessimistic response of despair right there. Really, I should have just said "thank you" and taken their words to be encouraging. Instead, I sank further into my personal mope until the mopery clouded every other single thing I did that night.
I went shopping for some supplies for a baby shower that we're throwing for a friend, and I then questioned everything I purchased when I got home. I also went shopping for a couple of costume items - a "good enough" shirt and pants for Jyn Erso and a necklace for a Once Upon a Time Disney Bounding project that another friend of mine and I are working on for April (that's another post). I found a necklace, but it wasn't what I had originally intended to purchase; it just looked cool. I didn't find pants. I found a shirt that was perfect - but it wasn't in my size and it wasn't on sale. I did manage to find a couple of cool t-shirts for my Nerd Husband and my bro-in-law, but I still kind of left feeling let down. I then hit a thrift store nearby (which I shouldn't have; I never have luck at this particular one), and then decided - since I'm out - I might as well try Marshall's because they're right across the street.
Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Grr.
I got home and saw that all of my fun eBay purchases had arrived today (3 of them) - a baby shower item, a Jyn vest, and the Disney Bound shirt. The baby shower item was a vintage book in great condition. Check. The Jyn vest was...awful. The wrong color (tan - my fault, should have read better - but the pictures made it look less tan that it is which is...pretty darned tan). It fit funky. It was just ugh. Which - unfortunately - that disappointment carried over into the Disney Bound shirt (which I really think will be pretty cool despite it not being 100% my style).
So I sat on the couch, clicked through eBay, and moped. I texted a friend with a mope that consisted of something along the lines of "I give up - meh". I moped on Facebook about the Kohl's shirt. I even flat-out admitted to the Nerd Husband I was moping.
NH: Are you tired?
Me: No. But if you're tired, you should go lie down.
NH: I don't want to leave you down here by yourself.
Me: I'm okay.
NH: What are you going to do?
Me: Mope.
Yep. It kind of went like that.
In the middle of all of my moping, I had some people who reached out. I kind of shut out the light they were shedding on the situation last night, but this morning I want to thank them. All of them. My sister-in-law for offering to look for the shirt at another Kohl's. My friend on Facebook who gave me the info about getting free shipping if you order a different size of the same item from a Kohl's kiosk. My friend who listened and responded to my moping texts with encouragement. My NH for putting up with my sorry butt.
You all must have done your job well, because - in the middle of my moping - I made a snap-decision to purchase a new brown vest on eBay. It's on it's way. I figure if it doesn't work, then at least it's in nice enough condition that I can wear it in "real" life. I went to bed and laid there for what felt like forever, trying to sleep, until finally I drifted off into weird dreams.
This morning, I woke up with a renewed s sense of Lara Croft-ness - that is to say, "Eff you, world. I got this. You tell me I can't do something? Watch me." So today was spent with me trying to sort through some crafting items this morning, organize in my brain what I'd like to try to work on, and figure out where I can get some pieces to make this new brown vest look at least a little like Jyn. I reached out to another friend of mine who I knew recently put in a drip-line irrigation system for his outdoor garden. He has spare black tubing, and I asked if I could steal a length of it. Done - and free for me (thank you, friend!). I've got plans to go through my "bits and bobbles" box and see what I can pull out to make some greeblies. And a new text from the friend I moped to last night gave me encouragement to make sure this project doesn't feel like "work" to me - let it be my thing that isn't work in the midst of all of this other crap. Enjoy it. (Thank you, friend - I'm going to try.)
So to all of you - my Obi-Wan Kenobis in my time of need - I sincerely thank you for the hope you gave to this mope. May the Force be with you always, my friends.
P.S. - And I ordered the shirt from Kohl's today. In my size. And it was on sale with free shipping to the store. Boom, baby. I win this round.
Last night was another discouraging night in the land of costumes. It was a bad brain day, and those days tend to be plaguing me more often than not lately. I let my pessimistic person out to play a bit, and a few people got the brunt of it at work. I'm thankful for their patience, but it can't be easy when someone responds to your "things will get better" with "no, they won't - they never do." Yep. Cringe-worthy pessimistic response of despair right there. Really, I should have just said "thank you" and taken their words to be encouraging. Instead, I sank further into my personal mope until the mopery clouded every other single thing I did that night.
I went shopping for some supplies for a baby shower that we're throwing for a friend, and I then questioned everything I purchased when I got home. I also went shopping for a couple of costume items - a "good enough" shirt and pants for Jyn Erso and a necklace for a Once Upon a Time Disney Bounding project that another friend of mine and I are working on for April (that's another post). I found a necklace, but it wasn't what I had originally intended to purchase; it just looked cool. I didn't find pants. I found a shirt that was perfect - but it wasn't in my size and it wasn't on sale. I did manage to find a couple of cool t-shirts for my Nerd Husband and my bro-in-law, but I still kind of left feeling let down. I then hit a thrift store nearby (which I shouldn't have; I never have luck at this particular one), and then decided - since I'm out - I might as well try Marshall's because they're right across the street.
Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Grr.
I got home and saw that all of my fun eBay purchases had arrived today (3 of them) - a baby shower item, a Jyn vest, and the Disney Bound shirt. The baby shower item was a vintage book in great condition. Check. The Jyn vest was...awful. The wrong color (tan - my fault, should have read better - but the pictures made it look less tan that it is which is...pretty darned tan). It fit funky. It was just ugh. Which - unfortunately - that disappointment carried over into the Disney Bound shirt (which I really think will be pretty cool despite it not being 100% my style).
So I sat on the couch, clicked through eBay, and moped. I texted a friend with a mope that consisted of something along the lines of "I give up - meh". I moped on Facebook about the Kohl's shirt. I even flat-out admitted to the Nerd Husband I was moping.
NH: Are you tired?
Me: No. But if you're tired, you should go lie down.
NH: I don't want to leave you down here by yourself.
Me: I'm okay.
NH: What are you going to do?
Me: Mope.
Yep. It kind of went like that.
In the middle of all of my moping, I had some people who reached out. I kind of shut out the light they were shedding on the situation last night, but this morning I want to thank them. All of them. My sister-in-law for offering to look for the shirt at another Kohl's. My friend on Facebook who gave me the info about getting free shipping if you order a different size of the same item from a Kohl's kiosk. My friend who listened and responded to my moping texts with encouragement. My NH for putting up with my sorry butt.
You all must have done your job well, because - in the middle of my moping - I made a snap-decision to purchase a new brown vest on eBay. It's on it's way. I figure if it doesn't work, then at least it's in nice enough condition that I can wear it in "real" life. I went to bed and laid there for what felt like forever, trying to sleep, until finally I drifted off into weird dreams.
This morning, I woke up with a renewed s sense of Lara Croft-ness - that is to say, "Eff you, world. I got this. You tell me I can't do something? Watch me." So today was spent with me trying to sort through some crafting items this morning, organize in my brain what I'd like to try to work on, and figure out where I can get some pieces to make this new brown vest look at least a little like Jyn. I reached out to another friend of mine who I knew recently put in a drip-line irrigation system for his outdoor garden. He has spare black tubing, and I asked if I could steal a length of it. Done - and free for me (thank you, friend!). I've got plans to go through my "bits and bobbles" box and see what I can pull out to make some greeblies. And a new text from the friend I moped to last night gave me encouragement to make sure this project doesn't feel like "work" to me - let it be my thing that isn't work in the midst of all of this other crap. Enjoy it. (Thank you, friend - I'm going to try.)
So to all of you - my Obi-Wan Kenobis in my time of need - I sincerely thank you for the hope you gave to this mope. May the Force be with you always, my friends.
P.S. - And I ordered the shirt from Kohl's today. In my size. And it was on sale with free shipping to the store. Boom, baby. I win this round.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Reflections of Celebration
I'm sitting here realizing that in two months, I will be boarding a plane to soar through the clouds to take me to Orlando. Not just for Disney. Not just for Universal. But for Star Wars Celebration 2017. 2017, people. How crazy is that? Then again, maybe it's not all that crazy for you. Maybe your life is going swimmingly and the years have gone by in the same manner, day in and day out. I'm betting the probability of that is low. Very low. So if you're like me in some way, you're going to look at the year 2017 and think, "How did we get here?" If you're even further like me, you're looking at Star Wars Celebration 2017 and thinking, "How did we get here?"
Let's have a boring history lesson. Perhaps if you imagine it being related to you by C-3PO, it will make things slightly less boring. Maybe.
Celebration has a history that intertwined with the release of the Star Wars Prequel trilogy, and Celebration I was held from April 30-May 2, 1999 at the Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum in Denver, Colorado. The event was held three weeks before the official release of The Phantom Menace, and it was the first Star Wars convention since 1987.
When Attack of the Clones was set to release, Celebration II was held in Indianapolis, Indiana from May 3-5, 2002. I missed out on this one by about a week. I found out about it maybe a week after the convention had been held, but there was no way I (at the time, a poor, young college freshman) could have made the journey by car and paid my way into the con. But I vowed that I could make it to the next one - because I had faith their would be a next one. I gathered up an old coffee can, printed out a little label with Obi-Wan staring at me and "Celebration III Fund" written in Star Wars font. I put every dollar I earned and every penny I found into that little can.
When Celebration III rolled around from April 21-24, 2005 in Indianapolis, I was there. My funds had taken me this far, even though I ended up a bit shy due to some unforeseen issues with hotel rooms. But thanks to the grace of a friend who allowed me to pay back my bill monthly, I was there. A college senior. There with a Jedi costume of my own, in the middle of a severe bout of depression, but so stinking excited because I was freaking there. I met people I had talked to on the StarWars.com message boards from all over the word (the board are history now, sadly enough, but I still miss them). I waited for hours just to get into the dumb Celebration store. I saw props and costumes. I tried to get into lines that were always "capped" due to capacity. It was one heck of an experience, though - even when dealing with a tough time in my own personal life. I wouldn't trade it.
Since my days at Celebration III, I have made every effort, saved my pennies, and attended each Celebration held in the US: IV, V, VI, and Anaheim 2015 (why did we stop numbering them?). My fellow fans around the world have been able to take part of international Celebrations held in England, Japan, Germany, and back to England again.
So that's how we got here. That's how a poor college freshman who missed out made sure she didn't miss out later on. That's how that 19 year old kid grew into a 34 year old adult(?) who still does a lot of child-like things despite having grown-up responsibilities. And that's how we've made it to 2017 and will push on to Celebration 2017. We learn. We grow. We fall down. We pick ourselves back up. We learn some more. And we grow some more. It's a process, one that I've been following like everyone else has in life.
And it's a cause for Celebration in my book.
Let's have a boring history lesson. Perhaps if you imagine it being related to you by C-3PO, it will make things slightly less boring. Maybe.
Celebration has a history that intertwined with the release of the Star Wars Prequel trilogy, and Celebration I was held from April 30-May 2, 1999 at the Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum in Denver, Colorado. The event was held three weeks before the official release of The Phantom Menace, and it was the first Star Wars convention since 1987.
When Attack of the Clones was set to release, Celebration II was held in Indianapolis, Indiana from May 3-5, 2002. I missed out on this one by about a week. I found out about it maybe a week after the convention had been held, but there was no way I (at the time, a poor, young college freshman) could have made the journey by car and paid my way into the con. But I vowed that I could make it to the next one - because I had faith their would be a next one. I gathered up an old coffee can, printed out a little label with Obi-Wan staring at me and "Celebration III Fund" written in Star Wars font. I put every dollar I earned and every penny I found into that little can.
When Celebration III rolled around from April 21-24, 2005 in Indianapolis, I was there. My funds had taken me this far, even though I ended up a bit shy due to some unforeseen issues with hotel rooms. But thanks to the grace of a friend who allowed me to pay back my bill monthly, I was there. A college senior. There with a Jedi costume of my own, in the middle of a severe bout of depression, but so stinking excited because I was freaking there. I met people I had talked to on the StarWars.com message boards from all over the word (the board are history now, sadly enough, but I still miss them). I waited for hours just to get into the dumb Celebration store. I saw props and costumes. I tried to get into lines that were always "capped" due to capacity. It was one heck of an experience, though - even when dealing with a tough time in my own personal life. I wouldn't trade it.
Since my days at Celebration III, I have made every effort, saved my pennies, and attended each Celebration held in the US: IV, V, VI, and Anaheim 2015 (why did we stop numbering them?). My fellow fans around the world have been able to take part of international Celebrations held in England, Japan, Germany, and back to England again.
So that's how we got here. That's how a poor college freshman who missed out made sure she didn't miss out later on. That's how that 19 year old kid grew into a 34 year old adult(?) who still does a lot of child-like things despite having grown-up responsibilities. And that's how we've made it to 2017 and will push on to Celebration 2017. We learn. We grow. We fall down. We pick ourselves back up. We learn some more. And we grow some more. It's a process, one that I've been following like everyone else has in life.
And it's a cause for Celebration in my book.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
In Memory of a Princess
I realize that I've been quiet lately in the light of the events that covered the Star Wars fan blogs, news channels, and internet sites at the tail end of 2016. I'm not even sure I've adequately discussed my thoughts out-loud regarding these events because my voice stops or my brain stops or my heart just says, "Not yet." Even as I'm going back and rereading this (because I've been trying to draft this post for over a month now), I don't think I've really said exactly what I felt or thought. I know, however, that eventually I'll have to say something. I'll want to say something. So I wanted to see if I could draft out my idea so that it might eventually become full-fledged words on the screen. This is that draft, along with some edits, and probably a few more additions before I actually hit "publish".
We lost Carrie Fisher unexpectedly on Tuesday, December 27, 2016. This came shortly after the news that she had experienced a "cardiac incident" while in-flight from London to Los Angeles the previous Friday. We didn't expect this. We heard "stable", and we all had hope. But that hope was obliterated when we saw the headlines on Tuesday. Almost as though life wanted to add insult to injury, the very next day we saw the headline that we had lost Carrie's mother, Debbie Reynolds. One day after her daughter.
My introduction to Carrie came through Star Wars, and over the years, I've been lucky enough to listen to her speak at a few fan conventions including Star Wars Celebrations. Let's face it - so many of us met this leading lady of sci-fi fantasy the same way. We fell in love with her through her portrayal of Princess Leia. Her spunk, her wit, and her charm filled the screen. Leia was determined, strong-willed, and unwavering. She was a true hero in the Star Wars saga.
Carrie Fisher herself was a true hero to a lot of causes. Despite her difficulties with drugs and alcohol throughout her past, she was honest about her addictions, her bipolar disorder, and her depression. She shared these things with people as a form of education to let people know they were not alone in their struggles. She was sharp-witted, had a wicked sense of humor, and was full of life on the stage. And through it all, her honesty and genuine heart shown through.
I am nothing like Carrie Fisher. I am not a risk-taker. I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have never had bipolar disorder. My sense of humor is less risqué. I am not as brutally honest. She is so unlike who I am at times that it's probably hard for some people to understand why I am so upset by her passing.
However, I think the reason I am so upset is because - despite the fact that I am none of these things - I looked up to her and who she was. A part of me wanted to be like that. I looked up to how honest and forthright she was about everything in life. Carrie Fisher was who she was, and she never apologized for it. That was just how it was going to be. You couldn't change it, and you didn't want to. That must be amazingly freeing - to realize that you are who you are and people shouldn't be allowed to judge us because of who we are. I wish we could all feel that freedom.
Carrie spoke out for those suffering with bipolar disorder, depression, and all mental illnesses in order to educate others. She spoke out to help those who were suffering realize they were not alone in their struggles and they were not abnormal because of them. This specifically resonated with me - having dealt personally with two particularly difficult psychological diagnoses over the years. Hearing her speak about it in person - to hear her reach out to a crowd, to those who might be hurting or to those who might not understand - brought me to tears one time at a convention in Indianapolis. (She explained to a child in the audience what "bipolar" meant after he had asked her a question during the Q&A.) I will never forget that feeling. It was a complete sense of validation in your hurt coupled with the promise of strength to overcome all of it. She helped instill that through words alone. That's amazing.
It's been a tough time for a lot of people. The world has seemed dark and ugly, and I think a lot of us were just pulling to make it through 2016. Then more stuff happened, and some people just kept thinking that the turning of a number on the calendar of life would make it better. But a number is a number - it doesn't change anything except what we make it change. We are the people who make a difference - even in the darkness, we can still be a beacon of hope.
Even if it's a tiny hope.
Even if it's someone's only hope.
Thank you, Carrie Fisher, for all that you were and all that you always will be - to so many. May the Force be with you always.
We lost Carrie Fisher unexpectedly on Tuesday, December 27, 2016. This came shortly after the news that she had experienced a "cardiac incident" while in-flight from London to Los Angeles the previous Friday. We didn't expect this. We heard "stable", and we all had hope. But that hope was obliterated when we saw the headlines on Tuesday. Almost as though life wanted to add insult to injury, the very next day we saw the headline that we had lost Carrie's mother, Debbie Reynolds. One day after her daughter.
My introduction to Carrie came through Star Wars, and over the years, I've been lucky enough to listen to her speak at a few fan conventions including Star Wars Celebrations. Let's face it - so many of us met this leading lady of sci-fi fantasy the same way. We fell in love with her through her portrayal of Princess Leia. Her spunk, her wit, and her charm filled the screen. Leia was determined, strong-willed, and unwavering. She was a true hero in the Star Wars saga.
Carrie Fisher herself was a true hero to a lot of causes. Despite her difficulties with drugs and alcohol throughout her past, she was honest about her addictions, her bipolar disorder, and her depression. She shared these things with people as a form of education to let people know they were not alone in their struggles. She was sharp-witted, had a wicked sense of humor, and was full of life on the stage. And through it all, her honesty and genuine heart shown through.
I am nothing like Carrie Fisher. I am not a risk-taker. I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have never had bipolar disorder. My sense of humor is less risqué. I am not as brutally honest. She is so unlike who I am at times that it's probably hard for some people to understand why I am so upset by her passing.
However, I think the reason I am so upset is because - despite the fact that I am none of these things - I looked up to her and who she was. A part of me wanted to be like that. I looked up to how honest and forthright she was about everything in life. Carrie Fisher was who she was, and she never apologized for it. That was just how it was going to be. You couldn't change it, and you didn't want to. That must be amazingly freeing - to realize that you are who you are and people shouldn't be allowed to judge us because of who we are. I wish we could all feel that freedom.
Carrie spoke out for those suffering with bipolar disorder, depression, and all mental illnesses in order to educate others. She spoke out to help those who were suffering realize they were not alone in their struggles and they were not abnormal because of them. This specifically resonated with me - having dealt personally with two particularly difficult psychological diagnoses over the years. Hearing her speak about it in person - to hear her reach out to a crowd, to those who might be hurting or to those who might not understand - brought me to tears one time at a convention in Indianapolis. (She explained to a child in the audience what "bipolar" meant after he had asked her a question during the Q&A.) I will never forget that feeling. It was a complete sense of validation in your hurt coupled with the promise of strength to overcome all of it. She helped instill that through words alone. That's amazing.
It's been a tough time for a lot of people. The world has seemed dark and ugly, and I think a lot of us were just pulling to make it through 2016. Then more stuff happened, and some people just kept thinking that the turning of a number on the calendar of life would make it better. But a number is a number - it doesn't change anything except what we make it change. We are the people who make a difference - even in the darkness, we can still be a beacon of hope.
Even if it's a tiny hope.
Even if it's someone's only hope.
Thank you, Carrie Fisher, for all that you were and all that you always will be - to so many. May the Force be with you always.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Anxiety, Depression, and Why Yoda is Totally Wrong
I've been personally dealing with a huge increase in anxiety in the last...oh...I've lost count. Who cares anymore. But 2015 kind of put my and a lot of folks who are close to me through an emotional spin cycle, and it was tiring and upsetting and generally just not great. 2016 has so far been about trying to turn that emotional state around and getting back to being at least "okay" with things. I'm not great - far from it. There are days I want to cry, but then there are things that keep me going and make me realize, No - you are strong enough to do this. You can do this. One of those things is training for this Star Wars Dark Side 10K.
I'm not a runner, and I'm not an athlete. I never have been - until late fall 2014. Oddly enough, what inspired me to run was a geeky passion of costuming or cosplay as its known by now. I was putting together a Tomb Raider Reborn costume, and I wanted to feel stronger and more toned while wearing it. So I figured - okay, well, I can do push-ups every morning. And then I thought - okay, maybe I can start running (seriously - where did that thought even come from?). I expected that the best way to start running was to have a goal, and something I'd never done before in my life was run a 5K. So I picked a 5K that supported Prostate Cancer Research and Awareness (a cause close to my heart and life given my Dad's cancer history) and off I went.
And I did it.
I still don't like to call myself a runner, though. I'm not "into it" like a lot of folks. It's not my passion. Star Wars, however, is deeply rooted in my life, and it's a passion that fuels me to do crazy things. Like costume. And I guess run a 10K.
I think I'm getting off topic here, but the main thing is this - if you're fighting with anxiety or worries or depression or whatever, find the thing that makes you happy right at that moment and run with it (maybe even literally). The world is going to throw us crappy things every day, and we have to choose how we want to handle those crappy things. We can either go, "Well, that's crappy. I'm going to sit here and wallow in the crap until I feel crappier." Or we can go, "Well, that's crappy. I'm going to sit here for a little bit, but I won't wallow because...well, it's crap. I'm going to get up and see if there's less crap over there instead." I'm not always great at choosing the second option. I'm trying. That's all we can do is try (no matter what Yoda says - I'll fight the little pointy-eared dude on this one).
So we got back to training last night because the NH (Nerd Husband) was doing much better after his really awful bought of illness on Monday. It was pretty terrible. It's behind us now, and I'm grateful that he's doing so much better. He was able to make it though the entire 30 minute run with no issues! However, I actually ended up with the issue this time around - a pain in my right shin which kept getting worse throughout the run. I had a walk a couple of our running intervals, and the track was also pretty darned crowded last night because it was such a cold day. Plus, we haven't had a training session in nine days.
All of these issues came together to set us back in our pace to a 15:26 min/mile. I'm not happy with this, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I know the reality of the situation and all of the factor, and I also know how well we've been doing up to this point. So that's what I'm going to try and focus on today, and then we'll see how Saturday (or Sunday) goes.
In other running news, I'm working on a costume for the 10K. I'm pretty excited about costuming anyway, so this added element of awesome to the event just makes me even more excited. I ran through so many ideas in my head before settling on one of them. I was really debating working on an x-wing fighter running outfit at first, but then I figured that this is the Dark Side 10K...so let's evil it up a bit. I didn't want to do Vader. Not a huge Boba fan, and a big fat fangirl "no" to Kylo Ren.
Then it hit me.
Ventress. Asajj Ventress.
More to come on that later...
I'm not a runner, and I'm not an athlete. I never have been - until late fall 2014. Oddly enough, what inspired me to run was a geeky passion of costuming or cosplay as its known by now. I was putting together a Tomb Raider Reborn costume, and I wanted to feel stronger and more toned while wearing it. So I figured - okay, well, I can do push-ups every morning. And then I thought - okay, maybe I can start running (seriously - where did that thought even come from?). I expected that the best way to start running was to have a goal, and something I'd never done before in my life was run a 5K. So I picked a 5K that supported Prostate Cancer Research and Awareness (a cause close to my heart and life given my Dad's cancer history) and off I went.
And I did it.
I still don't like to call myself a runner, though. I'm not "into it" like a lot of folks. It's not my passion. Star Wars, however, is deeply rooted in my life, and it's a passion that fuels me to do crazy things. Like costume. And I guess run a 10K.
I think I'm getting off topic here, but the main thing is this - if you're fighting with anxiety or worries or depression or whatever, find the thing that makes you happy right at that moment and run with it (maybe even literally). The world is going to throw us crappy things every day, and we have to choose how we want to handle those crappy things. We can either go, "Well, that's crappy. I'm going to sit here and wallow in the crap until I feel crappier." Or we can go, "Well, that's crappy. I'm going to sit here for a little bit, but I won't wallow because...well, it's crap. I'm going to get up and see if there's less crap over there instead." I'm not always great at choosing the second option. I'm trying. That's all we can do is try (no matter what Yoda says - I'll fight the little pointy-eared dude on this one).
So we got back to training last night because the NH (Nerd Husband) was doing much better after his really awful bought of illness on Monday. It was pretty terrible. It's behind us now, and I'm grateful that he's doing so much better. He was able to make it though the entire 30 minute run with no issues! However, I actually ended up with the issue this time around - a pain in my right shin which kept getting worse throughout the run. I had a walk a couple of our running intervals, and the track was also pretty darned crowded last night because it was such a cold day. Plus, we haven't had a training session in nine days.
All of these issues came together to set us back in our pace to a 15:26 min/mile. I'm not happy with this, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I know the reality of the situation and all of the factor, and I also know how well we've been doing up to this point. So that's what I'm going to try and focus on today, and then we'll see how Saturday (or Sunday) goes.
In other running news, I'm working on a costume for the 10K. I'm pretty excited about costuming anyway, so this added element of awesome to the event just makes me even more excited. I ran through so many ideas in my head before settling on one of them. I was really debating working on an x-wing fighter running outfit at first, but then I figured that this is the Dark Side 10K...so let's evil it up a bit. I didn't want to do Vader. Not a huge Boba fan, and a big fat fangirl "no" to Kylo Ren.
Then it hit me.
Ventress. Asajj Ventress.
More to come on that later...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)