Struggles, Spoilers, and Songs

There's a lot going on these days.  At least that's what it feels like.  I'm not 100% sure if that's accurate or if that's just feelings, but it's what I'm going with at the moment.  There are people I love who are going through some really rough stuff right now.  I want to be there for them, but I'm struggling with some personal things, as well.  It makes me feel a bit like a selfish attention hog lately - "please, look at me and realize I'm struggling, too - help".  And when that doesn't work quite like the annoying 5 year old in me wants it to, I turn to my projects and bury myself in the work that takes over my mind and makes me happy (to a point).

That's a rather depressing introduction to a post that's meant to say...I finally finished my River Song costume.  (Is a blog that promises to focus on Disney and Star Wars allowed to be depressing and get off-topic by discussing Doctor Who?  You know what - I don't care.  Sure, it can.  Because it's my blog.  So there.  ;p)

There are elements of this costume I'm not 100% happy with, and I think that's all right for now.  All of my cosplay (I still have a hard time with that word because I used "costume" and "costumer" for years because that was when I started out this entire journey) is done simply and on a certain budget.  I like to try to make things from other things instead of spend my time tracking down screen accurate fabric for $40 a yard that requires me to then buy 3 packages of RIT dye to make it the right color.  I have nothing against that sort of thing, and I have a great deal of respect for the folks who go through it.  It takes a heck of a lot of work, and the results are impressive.  I get caught up in this mindset now and then - "how accurate do I need to make this?" or "should I buy this so it's 'right'?"  It's a very easy place to fall into, and it's not a bad thing if that's who you want to be.

However, I've come to believe that my real place in his cosplay world and my calling here is to prove to other people that they can do it.  You don't have to be a genius.  You don't have to break your bank.  You don't even have to have knowledge on how to sew.  And honestly, if you're out to just have fun - you don't need to be accurate.  You just have to be willing to try, to learn, and to work with what you have when you have it.  I want to encourage those people who are starting out - the people who feel like crap because someone told them something was "wrong" with their costume.  I've had younger folks come up to me at a convention, fangirling or fanboying out over something I've made and then degrading their own work as they're wearing it in front of me, feeling horrible that they can't be as good as someone else.  That's when I try to point out to them what I actually have here - a PVC pipe from Home Depot, some silver spray paint, a rubber inner tube from a bicycle tire, a thumbtack, a cell phone clip, some washers, a plastic cable clip, and some glue.  It's not much different from what they have at all.  And it's certainly not impossible to do with just some time, practice, and a new way of looking at things.

Wow, does this blog entry have a point?  Because if it does, I seem to be taking an awfully long time just to say I finally finished my River Song costume.  ;)  The costume is 100% complete and ready to go for the comic expo I'm attending this weekend.  I'm uncertain if she'll go out for one day or two because I anticipate this will be a fun one to walk around in.  I guess we'll just wait and see.

And since I'd like to try and follow-through what what I said above (about helping people realize they can do this sort of thing, too), I'd like to follow-up this post with another post talking all about the costume and how I made it work.  Look for that to come soon.

In the meantime, just remember that you can do it - whatever "it" is.  I know it sounds corny and awful, but I believe that if something lies within our realm of power to change and learn, then we can accomplish it.  I think it's easy to forget that because the world like to buck up against us and tell us we can't move.  Sometimes, it's true - we can't.  Sometimes we're just stuck.  But even in those times, your ability to fight forward and keep moving is a blessing, even when your heart, mind, and body are tired.  Keep going.  Keep moving.  Because it's getting closer. 

Whatever "it" is.

Here Sits a Girl

Here sits a girl who:

• is signed up to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon next February 24, 2019
• has a room reservation all set on Disney property
• made her Disney dining reservations 180 days in advance
• and snagged some sweet reservations
• and reserved a table at Victoria and Albert's because - why not, I can cancel if I decide not to splurge that much (never done this before, so it felt right to at least try)
• needs to buy plane tickets for February
• is trying to complete a River Song (Doctor Who, not even remotely part of the two major focuses of this blog, but cut me some slack) costume for a convention that happens in two weeks
• needs to take her cat to the vet for a check-up on Saturday and is freaking out about it stressing out said cat
• will be getting up early tomorrow (fingers crossed) to do training run
• is moving in ten thousand different directions mentally and can't really take the time to figure out which direction she should buckle down and follow
• just wanted to write a blog post to say that she did because this space shouldn't die.

A New Month with New Jitters

I turned the Star Wars calendar in our kitchen to the new month of August, and I smiled when Rey showed up.  I thought, "How fitting.  There's our girl showing me that I can move forward and do anything."  Then I got to work, and I turned the Star Wars calendar in my cubicle to show the new month of August, and I smiled when Chewbacca's grin showed up on the page.  I thought, "There's a true friend if ever there was one."

Then I saw the sparkly Disney Princess Sticker that was marking Tuesday, August 7th on my calendar, and I thought, "Are you insane?  Are you actually going to sign up to run a half marathon at Disney?  It costs so much?  What if you can't make it?  What if you get swept?  You're not a real runner because you walk and run in intervals.  Remember yesterday when we looked at the proof of time submission and your 10K doesn't even qualify to get you in a higher corral?  You're slow.  You're overweight.  You're out of shape.  You're not a runner.  What makes you think you can do this?"

I realized at that moment that the only thing holding me back from what I can do is my own mind.  And what an evil little mind I have.  Look at that - up there!  All of those horrible things I said to myself in just a few seconds worth of thought-space.  And I suppose that's true for a lot of us.  A lot of us are harder on ourselves that we need to be.  We put ourselves down, and we corral ourselves into these safe little corners where we can hide so no one will ever see how "inadequate" we are.  We set our own limitations in our minds, but those limitations do not define who we truly are.  It's really our effort to break through those barriers that forces us to grow and become the people we are meant to be.

Next Tuesday, August 7th is registration day for the Princess Half Marathon at Walt Disney World.  I'm going to do my best to secure myself a spot.  I have a hotel room lined up on Disney property (had to call to make the reservation since it wasn't even available to reserve online that far in advance).  I've priced out plane tickets, and I'm ready to purchase those as soon as I know I have a spot in the race.  I'm trying to heal up from a pulled neck muscle before I get back into any real running/exercise again, but then it's time to gear up and start training.  I got nervous when I looked at training schedules.  TI checked out a couple of different schedules.  One stated that I should be comfortable running 3 miles a day 3 days a week.  Yeah...that doesn't usually happen with me.  lol  Maybe 1.5-2 miles 3 days a week?  I guess I'm not that far off, but it did make me start to second-guess this plan.  I ran a slow 5k in July, and a slow 10k in June.  Why am I doing this again?

To prove that I can.  To be able to say I did.  To be able to celebrate an accomplishment that I never once dreamed I'd be celebrating.  To be able to go on an adventure and say, "Yeah, I ran that race, and it was amazing."

Fingers crossed.  The single digit countdown to registration ticks on...

A Girl Against the Universe - a Running Story

So a few years ago I picked up something I never thought I would - running.

I was always the little chubby kid in gym class.  The one that got picked last for teams.  The one that couldn't finish running "the mile" test.  The one that liked literature, music, and art way more than physical activity.  Then, a few years back, I was trying to think of something I had never done before.  I wanted a new goal - something brand new and shiny to work on achieving.  Something I never thought I'd ever be able to accomplish.  So I set out with a Couch to 5k app and a goal to run my first 5K.

I did it.  And from there I ran a couple more 5Ks.  Then the Nerd Husband and I trained for the Inaugural Star Wars Dark Side 10K at Walt Disney World.  It was freaking amazing.

Then our world blew up.  The Nerd Husband's grandfather grew sicker until he was finally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He passed away quickly after a hellish fight.  Then my biological mother had a stroke while we were in Florida, and there I was - worrying for my family until I could get back home.  Then - most recently - we had an ice storm, and the Nerd Husband fell in our driveway and broke his left hip.  We lived with my parents for a month until he could come home and do the stairs (slowly and only once a day in the beginning).

Needless to say, we haven't been home much.  Our house has suffered for it.  We have suffered for it - physically and mentally.  It's been trying.  Running fell to the wayside.  Making it through to the next day was really the only goal.

During this last trial - the Nerd Husband's accident - I came up with my next plan.  In between sitting in the hospital with my husband and doing the drives back and forth from our house to gather things, take a shower or feed our kitty, it dawned on me that I wanted to show the universe it wouldn't break me.  It wouldn't throw all of this at me and see me back down without a fight.  I remember saying out loud, "No.  I refuse to feel like this, and I won't let you tear me down."  Plus, I was doing all of this to help someone else.  And I'd been helping other people for so long.  I needed to do something purely for me.

I vowed to figure out something I had never done before and make me feel badass, strong, and rebellious against the universe.  I thought about a tattoo or dyeing my hair another color.  But then my brain rested upon one thought...

I'll run a half marathon.

Not sure that was a normal train of thought.  But then again, I've never claimed to be normal.

I've always been interested in the runDisney half marathons.  I remember being there right after Princess weekend and seeing all of the people on the buses and in the parks with their medals.  It was really inspiring because there were people of all shapes, sizes, and walks of life.  It looked like a goal that anyone could obtain with training and tenacity.  I honestly wasn't sure if I'd ever be one of those people, but I wanted to be one of those people.  Plus, how wonderful would it be to run through the place that holds so many wonderful family memories for me.  Family and friends and people I don't have with me anymore.  They're all still there, in that place, in those moments.

The details are fuzzy on how it all came about, and it was a while before I put my mind to a permanent decision on when this would all go down.  I recall asking my virtual running group for advice, signing up for a local 10K (for experience and a time to submit), writing out a training schedule, and then eventually marking my vacation time in my work calendar for "February 2019".

Princess Half Marathon 2019 had been decided.

Now I have a little Disney Princess dry erase board from the Dollar Tree sitting in my cubicle at work, counting down the days to registration.  I have nerves floating around in my gut because the registration process got changed this year, and they pushed the dates further away than originally planned.  I have a countdown on my phone, and I'm debating where the best place to stay is and how to make this all work.

Best of all, I have a goal, and I'm nervous as hell about it - but it's mine.  And that is so stinking exciting that I can't even begin to explain to you how exciting it is.  This is mine, and no one can take it from me.  I know that bad things can happen, and chances are they totally will.  Who even knows what will/could happen when I'm away next February?  But bad stuff is going to happen no matter where you are, who you're with, or what you try to do to prevent it.  You can't prevent life.  Life finds a way.  The best you can do is live your life for you.  Do the things you can do while you can do them.  Share your strength and love with others.  And remember to be kind to you.  Always.  In all things.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this princess has a half marathon training schedule to contemplate.

Celebration Time, C'mon!

So it's finally been announced.  The big Star Wars Celebration for 2019.  It looks like we're finally headed to Chicago, April 11-15, 2019 at McCormick Place.  Apparently McCormick is the largest convention center in the US.  That sounds like a great opportunity for them to actually make use of the space and maybe make things a bit easier to get into.  Maybe.  We'll see. 

Celebration is a mixed bag for our little group that's been going for quite a few years now.  I personally still have fun, but I go in with very low expectations.  What makes it fun for me is the people I get to interact with, the costumes I get to create and wear, and the moments I get to spend with old and new friends.  What makes is frustrating for me is hanging my hopes on getting into a panel, but not being able to get into it because I didn't camp out all night just to get a ticket.  Or when they accidentally let in a group of people that didn't have wrist bands before they let in the wrist banded people.  Or when they only have ONE entrance open for security for thousands of people who need to all go through a metal detector which results in a line that wraps around the building for hours and hours just to get in. 

I feel like every convention has hiccups along the way, and Celebration has been no exception over the years.  I remember the "this line is capped" signs from Celebration III (my first convention experience ever).  Too many people.  Too small a space.  What are you going to do?  Plan better. 

But they never quite seem to make it to the "plan better" stage. 

One year, they did.  They got it right - or so it felt like they did.  That was when we were in Los Angeles for Celebration IV.  The worst part about that was that none of the hotels were within walking distance of the convention center.  You had to rely on transportation.  However, the convention center felt big, roomy, and there were things to do at all hours of the day and night.  It was easier to get tickets to see what you wanted (like Carrie Fisher's after-hours comedy show; buy your tickets separately on the internet before the event).  The store was a simple walk-in, find what you want, and walk-out.  Plus there were additional mini-store kiosks all over the exhibit hall!  Talk about making it easy to shop (and easy to spend more money).

But I haven't really seen these things return to a Celebration yet.  We seem to be back to the Celebration III ways of "you either stand in line for 5 hours to see George Lucas or you stand in line for 5 hours to go to exclusive store".  If you don't camp out over night, you don't get in to see anything. What makes this all worse is that - honestly - you really don't even have to pay money to be there.  Everything is live-streamed on the internet now, so you can "attend" Celebration without travel or ticket expenses if you so wish.  I realize that's both a good and a bad thing.  I personally wish there'd be at least a slight delay from the panels to the internet stream.  Let us feel like we have some exclusivity since we - you know - kind of paid to be here.

None of these things though keep me from going.  That's probably lack of good sense when I think about it, but I honestly think it's because there's something bigger that I get out of attending an event like this.  I like to look at things.  I like to watch people.  I like to wear my costumes, take pictures of other people's costumes, swap stories, encourage others.  I feel a sense of community at a convention like this.  I don't know if that's normal or not, but it is what it is.  So while some of our group are only thinking about attending a day or two at Celebration Chicago (which I respect and understand given the write-up of insanity that I posted above), I'm still planning on all 5 days.  I never know what this one will be like.  If that day doesn't seem like it'll work out, I'll leave early.  If that day ends up being amazing, then I'll take it home with me, along with a big smile spread across my face and a skip in my step like a five-year-old kid. 

Even through all of the crap that we've dealt with, I'm ready to Celebrate.

May the Fourth be with You!

Happy Star Wars Day!  That's what they're saying today, right?  It's on the news - newscasters breaking out the lightsabers and having a battle.  Companies are having sales.  The internet is talking about a new movie, where will Celebration be, the new Star Wars half marathon races in Walt Disney World next year...everything.  If you can name it and it's name is Star Wars, it's being talked about today.  May the Fourth.

This is an interesting day, I have to admit.  Because I remember a day when I had to hide my Star Wars novel spine inside my binder so no one could see a title.  I remember that "nerd shirts" were not a thing to be worn in public.  Things like that opened you up to ridicule and regret.  I had one nerdy friend growing up as a child (and even that wasn't close enough to how nerdy I really felt).  I met another nerdy friend toward the end of my high school years, but even then, we were both so busy hiding that aspect of who we were that we only really realized the true depth of our own nerdiness once it was time to go off to college.

Ah.  College.  The most formative years of my life.

The worst four years of my very existence on this planet earth.  And I do not exaggerate.

The loss of friends.  The loss of family.  The lack of guidance within a sports-driven university.  Sickness.  Loneliness.  Despair.  Severe depression.  Suicidal ideation.

And in the middle of it all: www.starwars.com/forums

The Star Wars message boards.  Back in the day, see, the interwebs had these things called "message boards".  Back then, we thought it was better to keep our real selves anonymous online, so we had fake screen names and avatars of anything other than ourselves.  And while the names and the avatars were fake, the personalities and the people were real (for the most part - but that's another post lol).  In those four years of hell, I found my solace and refuge in a little corner of the internet with people going through similar issues, trials, and thoughts.  I found people who liked the same things I did and did some of the same things I liked to do.  And here they all were - ripe for the friend-picking!

And picked them I did.  And then I was crazy and even met some of them in person (omgoodness this was scandalacious back in the day, people.  Lemme tell ya...)

And lemme also tell ya that it's one of the best things this little depressed, introverted, scared little soul ever did in her entire life.  Those four years of hell made me into who I am today - a tenacious little fighter who will not go softly into that good night.  I refused.  And I still refuse.  Because I have hope.  Hope doesn't have to me this idealistic image of what things will be - and unrealistic view of the world.  I hate false optimism.  Hate it.  Try to tell someone who is in hospice and dying of cancer to "have hope and think positive and you'll get better".  The world doesn't work that way, usually, and it's cruel to offer that kind of false hope.

But I do believe that you can have hope in any sort of situation you're in.  Personally - in the darkest of situations - my faith offers me hope beyond this world when there are no other options.  In most of the everyday cases, my heart gives me hope that I (and others) can overcome our situations or work within them to the best of our abilities.  I have hope that - while we might not be able to change things entirely - we can make them as good as we can in the given moment.  To some people, that's a frustrating point of view, I'm sure.  "If I can't fix it, what good is it, really?"

It's because - honestly - by doing one action filled with hope, you have no idea what you're actually affecting in the long-run.  Every tiny little action you take might not have a reaction now, but no one really knows what it will do years from now.  Decades.  Centuries.  To you, it's one moment.  To someone else, it will shape their lifetime.

Do I have hope that me making a copy for someone at work will change their life?  No.  C'mon.  Get real.  But do I have hope that me making a copy for someone at work and then dropping it off with a smile and a kind word might make their day a little better?  Yeah, I do.  Because an action that small can have that kind of power.  And when you empower others, there's no stopping them once they build up that strength.  That's amazing.  That's just astounding to me to think that we can affect that sort of change in someone through such a tiny little action.

But it's what life is about, I think.  Having hope.  Creating hope.  Living hope.

So happy Star Wars day.  May the Force be with you all.

My Main Squeeze - The Nine Pound Lemon Tree

Well, there are definitely some Star Wars and Disney things to talk about here lately.  And what have I been doing?  Ignoring this space because "reasons".  Yep, I do a lot of ignoring these days in favor of focusing on other things, but I also know that getting back into the things I once loved is also extremely important.  Thus, here I am.  In the virtual writing flesh.

Today I want to write about something silly because it makes me happy and because it's Disney related and because NINE POUND LEMONS.  That's right.  You hear me.  Nine pound lemons.

Anyone who has gone to EPCOT with me has been inevitably dragged on the Living with the Lands ride.  And - also inevitably - I will seek, point at, and then excitedly jabber about the nine pound lemon trees that live inside the greenhouse.  Seriously, I love them.  I don't know why.  I like lemons.  Lemons are great.  Lemons are tasty, and they're cool looking, and they make great drinks and desserts and things.  But they're all of this to the nth degree when they're nine freakin' pounds (and sometimes even larger).

During our "year of Disney" to celebrate the Nerd Husband's and my 5th wedding anniversary, we decided to take the Behind the Seeds tour at EPCOT.  This was such an unexpectedly awesome tour, and I am so glad we decided to take it.  It was relatively inexpensive for a Disney tour.  The website currently lists adults prices at $25 and child prices at $20, and the tour time is listed around one hour (but ours lasted around 1.5 hours or so because of reasons I'll explain later).  The day we decided to go, we just walked up the counter outside of the Soarin' ride, made our reservation, purchased our tickets, and waited for our tour time.

We were lucky that day.  There were four of us on the entire tour - all adults and all home-gardeners.  The cast member giving the tour seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself because we kept asking questions and were genuinely interested in everything going on.  He kept us longer than usual and even led us a little of the beaten path so we could get a better look at things.  We got to visit the fish farm and feed the fish (talk about feeling like a child, throwing a bunch of fish food in and then watching fish just go everywhere).  We learned about hydroponics, picked up our own plan for a homemade hydroponic garden, and taste-tested veggies from the greenhouse.  We learned about weird plants, how they grow things, and how they use the things they grow.  We got to see and touch things we'd ordinarily only be able to look at.

And then - oh, then, my good people - we got to the nine pound lemon trees.

I squealed a little - maybe even outwardly.  It was obvious I was excited for no really good reason other than ginormous citrus fruits.  But the tour guide talked about things, and I listened and tried to remain calm.  Then he reached into a basket and pulled out not one but two huge nine pound lemons.  "Who wants to hold one?"

I was kind.  I let the other couple who was there hold the lemons first, but buddy, when it was my turn, I was so stinking excited.  Here I was!  The fruit of my efforts (ha!) realized!  I had a lemon!  No!  Two lemons!  (The Nerd Husband gave me his to hold, too.)  The thoughts that went through my head jumbled around and basically exploded into TWO NINE POUND LEMONS IN MY HANDS LOOK THEY ARE REAL OMGOODNESS.

There's a picture that goes along with this.  If I ever find it, I'll post it.  Because the look at my face is childlike joy.  It's kind of embarrassing and amazing all at the same time.

So today's moral is do the thing.  Find your happy.  Find your nine pound lemon.  Hold it and realize that it's real, tangible, and truly worthy of loving simply because it brings you joy.

Oh, and I bought a nine pound lemon dress.  It's actually just a dress covered in lemons, but lemons are cooler when they're nine pound lemons.  Love makes you do crazy things.

So today, I raise a glass of nine pound lemonade (I've heard it's tasty from the cast member who gave us our tour) to the nine pound lemon tree of Living with the Lands.  May you continue to bloom and blossom and bring me citrusy joy for the remainder of my days.